A War On Her World | TWD: D. Dixon

Ch. 28

I knew Carol couldn't do much for me in the hysteric state I had worked myself into, not with everyone needing her attention all at once. After my initial break-down, Judith began wailing which ultimately set Benji even more on edge, to the point where he let out his own sniffles, on the verge of crying. I knew I couldn't place all this on her.

"C- Carol," I attempted to speak, my voice cracking on the first syllable. I needed to tell her to take my son and Judith inside. The last thing I wanted was for either of them to cry because of me. I especially didn't want Benji to see me crumble the way I have.

"Ple- ase, take th- them inside." It came out distorted by my sobs, but she appeared to understand as she gave me a nod, quickly leaning down to take Benji's hand in one of hers, while she cradled Judith in her other arm.

"Noo, I don't want to leave. I won't." he shifted his grip from my shirt to around my waist in protest.

"I'll be f-fine, just... give me a moment." I whispered, sending him an insincere smile in hopes of being left alone.

"Please, Benji?"

Benji resisted at first, worried about leaving me by myself, but reluctantly he pulled away and took Carol's outstretched hand. They retreated back inside with the woman promising to make him something to eat as a way to calm him down.

How pathetic was I? Not only did I lose something invaluable to my son and I, but I just had to go and break down right in front of him, causing him to worry. Now I sent him away without an explanation, for what? So I could beat myself up over it? So I could ask myself what I did to deserve this? The only term that came to mind to describe the current me, was pathetic.

I cried for too long. I took the moment to myself, to tell myself how much of a failure I was, to degrade myself as a human being, as a mother, and I cried.

By no means did I feel better afterwards, like how I normally would if too much stress was built up after work, or when Benji was small -too small to understand why things happened and would throw small tantrums. My eyes were swollen and raw, my cheeks were puffy from my uncontrollable tears, the muscles ached in my back and abdomen from the violent heaves that had taken over my body in a moment of weakness... If anything I felt worse than when I had started.

I was sore all over and all I wanted was to sleep until Daryl got back. My body craved the comfort of his presence, of his strong arms so much that it left me feeling drained. But he wouldn't be back for a while, possibly until the next day, depending on how smoothly the mission proceeded.

Maybe it would be best to rest up some before he got back?

Standing up on unsteady legs, I used the wall as support, sucking up as much of my worries as possible and heading inside. My plans were to take a nap. It was a selfish idea, but I didn't realise how little proper rest I had gotten in a while until my little fit reminded me.

I walked up the stairs that I had been carried up recently and onto the platform where my arm had been lost. I entered the door and made my way straight for the cell block -it seemed I had been spending most of my time there these days.

Along the way, I caught Carol's gaze. She followed my every movement from where she sat at one of the tables entertaining the children. I ignored her the entire time, keeping my eyes focused on the concrete flooring so that I wouldn't have to face anyone. Only when I finally made it to an unoccupied cell did I lift my head, the silence settling in more than ever as I brought myself to lay limply on the unowned bed in an attempt to fall asleep.

I had yet to find a permanent room for myself and Benji due to all that had been going on, we kinda just took to residing in the 'hospital' cell for the most part. It meant that even though the prison was 'home', we didn't yet have anywhere to call our own, and for that, it made it hard to relax when my mind was drawing me in all directions other than sleep.