Secrets | Reddie Fanfic

Skateboarding

Sept 16. Friday.

The entire weekend, I spent my time with Cassie. Sunday morning when I woke up, she was outside of my bedroom door. She even met my mom, which is something none of my new friends have done. Granted, it didn't go too well since Cassie insisted on showing up to my house in an oversized band-tee and small shorts. I saw my mom's judgment radiating off of her, but Cassie didn't seem to mind. She took me to a skateboarding park, I never knew she skated. She wasn't the greatest but every time she messed up she laughed so loud. She was unphased by the way she looked. Cassie wanted me to skate too, but I refused. I never had before and everyone around us was extremely intimidating looking.

Cassie introduced me to her friend Dante, he was the boy with her at Michelle's party. I don't think he liked me very much, but he was funny. His humor was aggressive, sometimes he'd say things so dark I wouldn't know how to react. Cassie liked him because he wasn't intimidated by her. Dante called her names, made fun of the way she skated, and even hit her a little in a playful way. They took me to their favorite place to smoke- under a very large, old looking willow tree. The three of us smoked until the sun went down, and by that time Dante had to head home. Cassie told me he lived with his three older brothers, his parents both had been deported a few years back. She said not to take his bitterness to heart, he barely talked to anyone, she was one of the few exceptions. When asked, Cassie said she had no romantic feelings towards Dante, but she was far more fond of him than anyone else at our school. She said once her split with the Losers occurred, she realized that everyone in high school was a nobody. Cassie saw herself far more important than anyone else at our school, but I don't think that makes her a bad person. She just didn't care for the things most high schools cared about. To my knowledge, Dante was like that too. Probably because of everything he has dealt with in his personal life. She said if she were forced to marry anyone in the world right now it would be Dante, but only because of how much she respected him. I told her I understood what she meant by that but the truth is, I didn't.

On Monday, I ate lunch in the library with Cassie. I was so anxious the entire time but she tried her hardest to calm me down. What excuse did Richie give for the absence of my presence? I really valued my friendship with the others, even if I couldn't be with Richie, but at the end of the day they were his friends and not mine. He kept them, so I had to accept that I would be seeing far less of them, if any. Cassie let me eat her pretzel sticks and I gave her my iced tea. Anytime I'd bring up Richie she would spit some of the drink at me, which bothered me a lot but still made me laugh. Tuesday and Wednesday weren't much different, Cassie and I ate lunch in the same location and I spoke to none of the Losers.

After school on Thursday, I went over Cassie's house and her and I got indescribably high. Her eyes were so red, so squinted that her long eyelashes took up the majority of them. She curled her perfectly shaped nose far more often than she normally does, and her laugh was constant. Her room seemed to have a film from all of the smoke surrounding us. Her and I laid side by side on her carpet, having both conversation with and without major depth.

THURSDAY

"Eddie, I want to be a fucking hawk!" Cassie giggles, while staring at her ceiling fan.

I smile, "Why a hawk?"

"Because," she beams, "they're so fucking free. You can picture it, right? Me, roaming around the sky, landing on top of buildings and shit, just taking in the view. I want to circle around my favorite bands concerts and get in for free. And, like, when I feel the need to return to my home I can."

I add, "You can shit on people while they walk by."

She bursts, hysterically laughing, "I can totally shit on people, you're so right!"

"You can shit on dickwads like Richie Tozier," I say.

She sighs, "Richie isn't all that bad. I mean, we both have our own personal shit against him, but he's fucked up. Fucked up people fuck up, it's just in their nature. And I know this sounds awful because I have a shit ton of flaws too, but Richie is never going to mentally be stable. His childhood was shit, he lives in constant fear and lies, he doesn't even jerk off without crying half the time!"

"The fuck does that mean?" I ask.

She giggles, "Oh shit, probably shouldn't have said that. I don't know, it's just something he's told me before."

I clarify, "When he masturbates, he cries?"

"I mean sometimes, yeah. His dad blocked all porn-related websites from his phone so he thinks about Miles in order to get off. So to him he's thinking he's this little, in denial boy who can't even pleasure himself without being queer. Then he thinks about how his dad hates him for it, how he has to keep this shit a secret for the rest of his life, how his friends barely even know him, and how the supposed love of his life moved to Vermont. Then, sometimes when it's especially a lot on him, he cries." She explains, in great detail.

"Damn. I sometimes wish Richie just didn't give a fuck. Like how you give literally zero fucks, I wish he could do that. That way, he can come out and not have to go through some of the shit he does. I can't even imagine how hard it must actually fucking be," I proclaim.

She agrees, "Yeah, me too."

I frown, "I feel bad for him, Cassie."

"I know you do. Trust me, I do too. But it came to a point where even though I loved him more than life, I couldn't put myself through it anymore. That's where you're at, right?"

I told her I was at the point where I couldn't handle him anymore, but the truth is I don't know if I genuinely am. It's hard for me to even go a minute without worrying about him. Where he was living, if he went back home, who was he crying to. I feared he was already over me and now that he has Miles, that was all he needed. If he didn't think about how I was doing or didn't want to reach out. How was Richie actually doing? I'm so thankful for all Cassie has been doing for me, she really was an amazing friend and I completely understand why Richie speaks so highly of her. I wonder how Richie speaks of me nowadays? Oh well, it's Friday and I currently have no plans. Fingers crossed I don't beat myself over everything that has happened recently. Goodbye.

Ps, I know I still love him, I just kind of wish I didn't.