Hide Behind Trouble - Kellic

16. New Years

I would've written Christmas day first but im lazy and I've been planning this chapter for awhile now

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December 31st

I hadn't seen Vic since the twenty first. The last two meets were cancelled because it was right after Christmas and Vic had something come up. It was fortunate, on my part. If I saw Vic I think I'd second guess everything I was planning to do. Why would I want to leave such a beautiful guy?

But at the moment, that night, getting rid of everything was more important than a boy I met a month ago.

My family was downstairs. All of them. Cousins, aunts uncles, my parents. I'd feel bad. My mom would be so distraught. She went through the same thing, she'd always been better at advice due to that. She knew what it was like and was real, not saying the same shit because even if it was true, you think it'll do much? To hear the same things. And it takes a lot more than a few words to change my mind, or anyone's, really.

So while my cousin's laughed and drank, I sat in my room, twiddling the small loaded weapon in my hand. As it was New Year's Eve, I was allowed to drink. Of course, not that much, but a cup of wine nonetheless. Being the sneaky bastard I was, I managed to trick anyone who asked I was getting my first cup of alcohol, rather than my second, third fourth or fifth. At one point I said fuck it and grabbed the bottle of vodka as discreetly as one could and rushed upstairs. No one noticed, of course. In my family I wasn't too noticed. I was the quiet, troublesome nephew or cousin. The attention I did receive from my cousins were questions on what I did to end up in jail overnight again, or tips on how to picklock the liquor cabinet.

So I was drunk, and in my locked room holding a gun fifteen minutes before New Year's. The door knocked.

"Hey jackass, open up." I recognized the drunk female voice immediately. My cousin Tay. Twenty one and your typical college student. She was my best friend as a kid, but always lived so far away. I'd miss her.

I put the gun away and shut my notebook, opening the door for Tay. A ten minute talk before I'd push her out and say adieu.

"You barely said hi to me!" She exclaimed, opening her arms for a hug. "I missed you."

I fell into the tight hug. "I'm sorry, I guess I didn't see you, or something."

"Whatever," she rolled her eyes. "So how are things? Your mom said you met some guy?" She wiggled her eyebrows.

"I- Yeah.. His names Vic," I mumbled, looking down.

"Oohh! Kellin's getting some cheeks!" Sober Tay and drunk Tay weren't very different. Except comments like these.

"Oh my god, shut up," I whined.

"Not my fault. How's your crime life doing?" Tay changed the subject.

I shrugged. "Gotta clean up my act or boarding school," I murmured with a sigh.

"Oh yeah, your dad told me. I see it though, what else they gonna do? Well, come downstairs soon, it's nearly twelve." Tay waved to me and walked out. I checked the time, seeing it was in fact eleven fifty two. I had just enough time.

I ripped off my hoodie. It was my death, I wanted the luxury of wearing short sleeves despite the deep red scratches coating my arms. I then retrieved the gun, made sure it was loaded, and looked over my note.

'To whoever reads this, whoever I give this to, hello.

I don't have an explanation. Sort of.. I don't know.

I'm not necessarily.. sorry. After all I did this for a reason. I'm sorry you have to go through grief, if any of you do, but it's what I've done.

Sometimes you just wake up one day and don't see the point. I wake up nearly every day and don't see a point.

I feel like something should've caused this, maybe a bit of buildup, but really, was there?

I always felt these.. feelings as a kid. I could never explain. From fear of being called insane, I never told anyone. I just kept that habit. Now, good liar or not, no one knows about the fact I've been planning to do this for awhile. I've wanted to do this for awhile.

I was too scared, I think. At first. So I was an idiot. I purposely got beat up in hopes it would kill me. I wouldn't have a say in the matter and would die before I could back out.

But that didn't kill me, so now I'll do it myself.

Everything is a task and I'm a coward. I run from my problems. This is just another one, another run. Except it's permanent and I don't have to run anymore.

Vic, I'm sorry. We may have gotten close. If you really care for me, forget me. It's for what's best. Don't be a fucking lawyer like your dad wants. For one, that image makes me retch, but I think I like the idea of seeing you on stage. Maybe if I wasn't like this, one day we could be on stage together.

So, for me. Don't be a god damn lawyer. Oh, and take care of my friends. They're idiots and get in trouble, but they're good kids. And my friends. So, yeah.

Goodbye.'

That was it. Those were my final words. The clock read eleven fifty four.

My phone rang.

"Vic?"

"Hey Kellin!" His cheerful voice rang.

"What's.. up?" God, no, I didn't want to talk to him. Not now. He'd make me question it.

"Just wanted to say happy new year! Or it will be soon. Hehe, can we hang out tomorrow?" He asked. "I really miss you."

What did I say? Oh my god. I wanted to. But I wouldn't be here tomorrow. "Sure, Vic. Tomorrow."

"Bye babe!" He shouted.

"Bye." I hung up, slamming my phone down on the table as tears filled my eyes.

'I'm sorry Vic' I wrote down.

Turning off the safety, I held the gun to my head, in my mouth, under my chin, back to my head. I couldn't find a good place. I'd just do my head.

Eleven fifty eight- fifty nine. Everyone was outside. It was normal for us to stand outside while we counted down. That made it easier, the gun shot would be quieter. At least I think so. Hopefully I'd die immediately, or bleed out before found.

I saw somewhere, read a book. Where the guy did this. New Years Eve, they tried to end it. 'Dying with the year' as they put it, acknowledging how cliche or stupid it could sound. Part of me was doing that, dying with the best and worst year of my life, the other needed a date. And so I chose this one.

"Five! Four!" I heard them shouting.

Three. Two.

One.

Shoot.

~_~_~_~

Yep mom I'm so not writing the chapter I wrote out in my mind ten times rather than getting my overdue homework in because fuc u

I was gonna make this go another way but oh well it didn't

Hey hey

You wanna know a secret?

It's straight facts. Or gay facts if you swing that way

Either way it's facts

Okay okay
Y'know what it is??

You're an amazing human being <3