Misanthrope

12

Logan's POV

When you do something you know you shouldn't have and you cannot do anything to reverse it, guilt eats away at your insides like a hungry wolf. And when you get caught, you become the wolf's meal.

I shouldn't have told her I loved her. It was the heat of the moment. And it wasn't true.

I sound like a fucking asshole. Which is true. But I don't love her.

That doesn't mean I don't want to love her, because I definitely feel like she is someone I will grow to love.

Two months just isn't enough for me to know if I do. I had just started to trust her. That's a big thing for me.

But love is so much bigger.

I thought that fucking her would distract her from what I had just said, but when we were about to start, she said the words.

'I love you too'

I thought that the next day I could sit her down and tell her it was all in the heat of the moment, because the last thing I expected her to do was to say it back.

I feel so bad. I feel like such a horrible person and it's eating me up on the inside.

I can't have her love me.

I'm not a good person. I have done more bad things to her than good. I hurt her.

After that night neither her nor I brought up the argument or the way we resolved the situation.

But I'm sure it was eating away at her as much as it was me.

I will admit, my world is a much brighter place with her. I am happier than I have been in years.

I'm not happy, but I'm happier.

She is a constant reminder that not everybody is the same.

Not everyone is as cold and heartless as I think they are.

As I want them to be.

I wish she was a bitch. I wish she was the most horrible person in the world, so I wouldn't have to force myself to be distant.

If she was terrible it would be so much easier.

But she's not, she's a gentle being, so hurt underneath the hard front she puts on to her teachers and peers.

She, like me, has known nothing but hurt and loneliness all of her life. She's had it worse than me, no doubt.

Waking up every morning next to her is a blessing and a curse.

It's a feeling I can't explain. The pure joy i feel when observing her while sleeping can be overwhelming at times.

But the fact that I know, I am not a good person, and that I will hurt her one way or another, reminds me that I can't have her fall in love with me.

If I were to break it off, I'm sure she'd leave, but she has nowhere to go so I can't.

Something deep down inside of me also doesn't want her to leave me.

She deserves better than me. She has so much worth. She is so beautiful in every way.

She deserves all of the love and affection a girl can get, and I don't know if I can give her that.

I want to be able to give her that.

After this mornings discussion the guilt continued to eat away at me.

She thinks I love her.

She genuinely thinks I love her, and it's my fault.

I shouldn't have said it, but I don't know if I could have said anything else that would have made her stay.