When the Moon Watches

The Night We Kissed Under the Moon - 14

"Sometimes, tears suddenly pour down for no reason. The life I wished for, the life I wanted, a so-so life. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter anymore." -Agust D

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Yoongi:

There was a thought, one that wouldn't go away.  'Life is empty and meaningless.'  But that was the past, now I feel alive again because I want to live again, not just exist.  Standing in my room staring at the piano that used to bring me such comfort, I realize how alone I have been.  Everyone had someone to come home to, that is, everyone but me.  I feel the enormity of my solitude and I want it to end.  I am used to it, you might say.  This is not the first time I have felt this way.  After my parents died and left me all alone, that's when it first hit me, the isolation, the depression, the extreme loneliness.  

I had packed up my things after the funeral and moved here.  A part of me couldn't leave behind my mother's favorite possession.  Her beloved piano was the only part of her that still remained.  It was also my most valued possession.  

She had taught me how to play with a soft and gentle voice.  I remember how she would smile down at me when I played the notes well.  Sometimes I would close my eyes and remember those times.  It was my way of holding on to her.  As painful as those memories could be, I had found strength in them.  I make my living at this very same piano that both brings me joy and grief.  

Now I wanted to play for someone new, for my beautiful Jina.  I know not to give in.  I would fight for this love.  It was either that or die.  You can't escape death.  You can't escape the bad things that happen to you, but you can grow from them.  

I wondered if this life was my second chance.  A chance to be a good man to make up for any wrongs in the past.  

I had to find a way to be with her.  She could be the reason I could be good.  I needed to be careful cause she could also turn into my torment if she doesn't love me back.  I know there is darkness inside me and I must control it.  

Everything is fine.  Nothing is wrong, I tell myself willing the bad thoughts away.  I will find a way.  

I picked up my jacket, grabbed a beer from the fridge, and went outside.  I strode over to the picnic table where I usually sit to have a smoke.  I climb up and sit on the table resisting the urge to look at her window, thinking to myself, if she wants me she will come.

She didn't come that night so eventually, I returned home to wallow in self-pity drowning in my desire.  I went over our sexual act in my mind, stroking myself as I thought of her, hot and hungry for me.  It brings a smile to my face.  The memory of her touch seared into my skin.  

"I need you, Jina!"  I cry out to the emptiness of my room.  

Alone with the thoughts that only serve to torment me.  I have no patience for my painting or my music, I just want her.  She is the only one that can set me free.  Free from loneliness.

I open the window and take big gulps of cold air.  The corners of my mouth turn up as I gaze at the moon remembering the night we kissed under that same moon.   There is hope, I think to myself, she told me from her own sweet lips, "I wish you were mine."