To Alex: A Year After You Are Gone, A Hole Still Remains

Dear Alex

I know I only met you last year, but you were so honest with everyone. You told people what you had gone through, but you didn't let anyone in. I'm sure you didn't let your parents in. You must have had a rough childhood growing up, but you had a whole family of snow choir kids and music department kids which included me.

I miss you so much it hurts. I don't know how many people remember you, but know everything I have expressed is real and the emotions were and are still very much real. I know your family will always remember who you were. I will always remember you used to smile even when you were hurting on the inside.

You found a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know the show choir girls weren't very friendly to people like you, but they genuinely loved you. I could feel that. I could feel you were hurt and you weren't going to heal.

I wonder how much you tried to heal at the beginning? How much did you try? Because when I heard, I cried for ages. I couldn't believe it when Mr. Thompson said in first period you were gone. I refused to believe and admit. I was in total denial. I wouldn't look at pictures of you or even think of you because the crying I was feeling on the inside would overflow.

At lunch, show choir people were crying and I wanted to cry, I really did, but I had to be strong for my friends who knew you better then I ever did or ever will. I can't help but wonder who did know you. Who knew the real Alex?

I know now I never did. I wish I did because you seemed like a fun person to hang out with. I can still picture you. The dark chocolate colored hair, the braces on your teeth, your wide blue-green eyes, your smile that always held more pain than I could ever hope to understand. I can picture you and it makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide until I forget about you. But that's what you wanted people to, you wanted people to forget about you. I am going to thwart your plans by never forgetting you. And I hope show choir people will never forget you either.

You shed a light into our lives that we needed. High school is one of the roughest times in our lives and you made it better until our world without you came crashing down that one fateful day when the school was in tears because of you.

Were you wondering how many people would truly care about your death? I cared, but I was not allowed to miss school for the funeral. Almost all of Elegance missed school to come to your funeral. They miss you more than I ever will because they spent every day with you in competitions, bus rides, and show choir camp. They spent more time with you than I do and I envy them for it. I really truly do.

As I write this, I have to try not to cry because I don't want to give you the satisfaction that we're better off without you in the world. A world without Alex is one I do not want to love in. I will not give into your demands that you made when you decided to end your life. I will keep on living because you can not. Like I said before, I will live my life because you can not.

I hope you appreciate what you put us all through and know I will live for you. Not through you, for you. I hope you remember me, but I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for me. For the closure I never got last year.

This is my final goodbye, my tribute to the girl you once were.

All my love ❤️,

RatherBeReading

P.S. you know who I am girl. I love you. 🥰♥️