Angel's End / reddie ghost au

Twenty one - Sorry

Eddie had never seen Richie like this before.
He could tell Richie had to restrain himself from raising his voice, whilst also trying not to cry.
In a single second, he knew what he'd done. He made Richie feel the way he'd felt once.

Hopeless.

Eddie could see it in the lanky boy's eyes. A horrible, horrible feeling that felt so familiar Eddie couldn't mistake it. It just broke his heart that it was Richie feeling it this time rather than him. It was all his fault.

The despair was a heady blackness; the ways forward Richie had thought possible had vanished to black, not blocked, but like they had never been there at all. He'd have to wait another year to attempt it again, but there was no way Connor would ever go back to that bar... or out on Halloween ever again.

The notion of hope had become meaningless, if his mind should linger on such ideas they started to feel like cruel tricks, as cruel as any desert mirage. The bonds Richie had, the ones that keep his heart beating, felt so thin and even they were a terrible weight.

Eddie had had to watch the fall in the beautiful boys face knowing that he was the one who put that frown there. It broke his heart.

How could he have been so selfish?
Richie would have waited. Why did Eddie have to be so needy?

He might have cost Richie his chance from ever going to heaven.

The boys were back in the bedroom. They'd trudged home at about 11 o'clock on Halloween night, not speaking to each other.

Richie hadn't shouted. Some part of Eddie wished he had. It was the silence that felt more ominous.

The bedroom had never felt so big. As soon as they'd got in Richie had curled up onto the bed. He'd rolled up into a ball and closed his eyes.
This made Eddie feel terrible guilt; as ghosts, they couldn't physically sleep. It showed that Richie just wanted to be alone. Alone in the black.

Eddie sat by his desk. He didn't know what to say or to do. Saying just a simple 'sorry' didn't seem like enough. He'd cost Richie a chance in the eternal good place for fucks sake!

But he hated the silence. He had to say something!

"Rich?" Eddie whispered, half hoping Richie wouldn't hear it.

The lanky boy shivered slightly.

Eddie could see he was crying. He was crying so quietly.

"Rich... I-I I don't know what to say...,"

The tall boy sniffled, "You don't need to say anything Eddie."
He spoke so softly and vulnerably.

His cold voice sent trembles of guilt down Eddies spine. The fact Richie hadn't called him 'Ed's' made him feel even worse.
"Rich... I... um, I-I just need to explain what was going through my head when I... when I did what I did."

Richie didn't say anything. He just looked blankly at the wall, moving a hand to his face to wipe away a glassy tear.

"Rich. What I did was not okay. It will never be okay... actually fuck that. What I did was the shittiest thing ever and I understand if you never ever want to forgive me. I- I I needed you Rich. Rich your like my oxygen. Your like my- my fucking heart pumping the blood around my body, your my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. You're amazing. I-I couldn't bare the thought of not being with you for one second... one second without you in my head felt like an eternity... I- I just thought if I stopped you I wouldn't have to live that eternity through alone."

Richie finally looked at the small boys, his eyes were empty, the amber irises showing numbness, "Eddie... what I- What I don't understand is I did everything to reassure you. I promised you so many times I'd wait for you on the other side...,"
Richie paused to wipe away another tear, "Eddie you say you love me but you don't trust me. What is love without trust? You cannot have one and not the other."

Eddie stopped, his lips curling into a frown, "You-you think I don't love you?"

Richie closed his eyes. In his mind, it felt like talking into the blackness was easier than talking directly to Eddie. Inside he felt frustrated and angry, but he did love the small boy and would never dare speak to him aggressively. He just couldn't comprehend why after everything they'd been through Eddie had chosen the selfish and untrusting option.
"Eddie I'm just saying that love without trust is, I don't know... it's not sustainable. Trust is like the... the foundations to a house and love is the building blocks. If the foundations are not strong then the building blocks will fall down. If there is no trust, the love with fall down.... I don't understand why after everything I did to make you trust me. After every time I promised I'd wait for you, you still didn't believe me."

Eddie had to blink away his own tears. He felt like the scum of the earth. All Eddie's life all he wanted to be was happy. But he was now realising that he wanted it so unhealthily badly he'd sacrifice others happiness for his own. "Richie I trust you okay!? I- I just don't trust myself!"

Richie stared at him, his lips slightly parted.

Eddie took a deep breath, fat tears rolling down his cheeks, "I don't trust myself! My whole life I've felt like the victim... it's so hard to get out of that mindset. It feels like everyone owes you something when they don't, like your expecting people to stay with you just because your broken inside. I TRUST YOU RICHIE... I know you'd wait for me. I fucking know you'd wait for all of time if you had to... but if you left I know that I wouldn't. If you left I know I wouldn't try to pass on too. I know I'd just leave you waiting there forever... My problem is not not trusting you, my problem is working with no light to guide me. When your here with me I feel like I can do anything. But if you left for a single second I think I'd forget how to act like a normal fucking human being. I am nothing without you and my lack of hope has made me this way. I don't trust myself because I've become so dependant on others I don't know how to help myself."

Richie sniffled. He didn't know what to say.

"Richie I love you more than anything. I trust you more than anything... it's my own self I don't fucking trust, it's my own self I don't fucking love... and- and if you're never going to talk to me ever again that's fucking fine, I just want you to know that I love you with my whole fucking being, that I love you so much it hurts... and, and that I am going to do everything in my power to make it up to you. I-I..,"
Eddie gasped for air. He felt like he was hyperventilating. Tears streamed from his red eyes as Richie watched, equally flooded by salty tears.

"I am going to make it up to you. Just you watch. Richie Tozier I am going to make sure you go to heaven... even if it means I go to fucking hell!"