Habits Of My Heart

Part 11

Spirits

I stand and quickly move to Alex's side. I tenderly pull his hands away to reveal his puffy cheeks and red eyes. He blinks slowly and looks at me with utter guilt in his eyes. I push myself up and into his lap and hold him as tight as I can. He pulls me closer and burys his head into my shoulder and cries. I try to comfort him as much as I can, I stroke his hair and lean my head onto his.

It takes me everything to not cry back onto Alex. What happened to his mum was tragic and the fact that he  blames himself for it is absolutely heartbreaking. He was just being a regular kid and he's had to pay a terrible price for it.

That must be why Alex moved here, for him and his dad to get a new start. Clearly Alex still feels incredibly guilty, I can't help but feel bad.

I wonder if Alex's dad blames him for it aswell. I hope not, that would be such a big weight for a kid to carry on his own.

We sit for what seems like hours until Alex falls silent but I still don't let go. I believe he's fallen asleep until I hear an almost silent whisper.

"Thank you."

Alex pulls his head away from my shoulder and I almost burst into tears at the sight of him. He looks so defeated and worn. I bring my hand up to caress his cheek.

"It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known. Please don't blame yourself. Your mum loved you and I'm sure that she wouldn't want to see you living in guilt."

I try to meet his eyes but he doesn't look up or reply to me. His eyes are still teared up and his lip is still trembling.

"It's really late, we should probably go to sleep now. You can take my bed."

I shake my head at Alex.

"Alex you've already been so generous, I'll sleep on the sofa."

Alex opens his mouth to protest but closes it before he says anything. I climb off of his lap as he dissapears with the plate and glasses and returns with a blanket and a cushion and hands it to me.

Once I've laid everything out, Alex turns off the lights, says goodnight and climbs into bed.

I try and sleep but the thoughts of Alex's mum and how upset he was earlier keep swimming around my head. Someone as sweet as Alex shouldn't have to go through that. I can imagine how incredibly guilty he must feel and I can't help but feel upset at the thought that he will carry this for the rest of his life.

I think to myself, what a cunt I am to be upset when Alex is the one living through all this trauma.

I'm broken from my thoughts as I hear Alex move and climb out of bed. I hear him gently pad over to me and whisper my name.

As I turn to face him, he's crouched beside the sofa.

"Are you okay?"

Alex shakes his head and looks up at me, I can tell he kept crying after we spoke.

"Can you sleep with me?"

Without a second thought I climb out from under the blanket and off of the sofa and into the warm bed with Alex. It's much comfier over here.

Alex lays down beside me, close enough that I can feel his warmth but we aren't touching. I consider hugging Alex but I expect that he still needs his space, so I lay here and hope that if he still needs me he knows I'm here for him.

He seems to answer my thoughts as his fingers find his way to mine and our hands intertwine. I turn to face him as he opens his arms. I push myself closer towards him as I lay my head onto his chest and he wraps his arms around me. One of my hands is laid on his chest and the other on my waist, his fingers laced in mine.

His other hand is cupped around my head, his fingers lightly circling my cheek. His touch has managed to put my hectic thoughts at bay. I'm not going to lie, I feel very blessed that Alex has managed to trust me aswell as become this comfortable with me this quickly.

After a few minutes I can hear Alex's heartbeat start to steady and his breathing become less erratic. I soon find myself drifting off in Alex's embrace, I feel the most comfortable I have in a while.

I awaken to the sound of Alex's apartment door opening, Alex's dad must be home. I check the time on my phone to show 11am. I've only been asleep for around 6 hours but somehow I feel like I've gotten a good night's rest.

Alex is still asleep, his breath low and quiet. Our legs are entangled and Alex's arms are still wrapped around me. I look up at Alex,he looks so calm. I bring my hand up to his cheek and circle his skin like he had done to me the night before.

I return to my previous sleeping position and lay my head back down onto Alex's chest and wait for him to wake.

I'm not left waiting long as Alex's dad bursts into the room. Alex jerks up at the sound of the door opening and looks at me worriedly before his dad looks up from his phone.

"Hey son I've just got back from-"

His sentence is cut short as he lays his eyes on me.

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realise you had company."

His eyes seem like they're about to blow out of his head when Alex's dad sees his sons bruised face.

"Oh my god Alex what happened? Who did this? You know I can arrest them?"

Alex stammers before replying whilst I sit there like an idiot, not having any fucking clue what to say. My eyes keep flicking between Alex and his dad before Alex finally speaks.

"It's okay don't worry about it. Anyway, dad this is Emily. Emily, this is my dad."

Alex's dad smiles at me, I can feel my cheeks burning from embarrassment. This is the first time I've met his dad and I'm sitting here in a baggy shirt with a bedhead and no makeup. What a great first impression.

"It's nice to meet you Emily. I didn't think Alex had found any friends yet, let alone a girlfriend!"

My mouth drops open but I'm still unable to speak. What the fuck is going on with me?

"Oh dad no Emily's just a friend. We're not, um, we're not dating."

"Oh, my mistake, I just thought that because you're in the same bed that... You know what, I'll leave you two alone."

I try to smile at Alex's dad before he leaves but it comes out as more of a grimace.

Just a friend. That hurt way more than it should.