Damaged

Lonely

He was alone, just him and his four walls. His mind felt empty yet also so full. Empty of hope, love and joy yet full with sorrow, grief and a yearning to see her just one more time. Images of her smile and soundbites of her laughing were branded into his mind, as a constant painful reminder that she had deceived everybody around her, all of those that loved her with faux happiness. His mind wandered to his son, what did he look like? Where did he live? What is he like? The boy would be almost 2 now and despite the fact that millions of people from around the world knows who the YouTuber is, his son will never know. Waves of regret cascaded over the 23-year-old, who knew leaving him at hospital that evening was the worst decision of his relatively short existence.

"You did it Joe, you actually did it," Dianne screamed at her dance partner as they made their way backstage where the cameras weren't following their every move

"I actually did it," Joe repeated, still in shock that his waltz didn't go too terribly, he turned to his dance partner to see the biggest smile he had ever seen painted across her whole face, it spread form her mouth up into her big brown eyes and exuded pride towards he dance partner "Did I make you proud?" The YouTuber asked, hoping he had done her favourite song justice after the generally disastrous week the pair had endured

"Of course you did, you make me so proud every single day." The red head responded, as she pulled her dance partner into the tightest embrace "You're so amazing." She continued to fill her dance partner with confidence and pride

"And I am so proud of you, for teaching these uncoordinated limbs to Waltz around the dance floor in some form of routine." The YouTuber beamed at his dance partner, still so overwhelmingly happy with his dance to care if he was speaking any sense. The pair were then dragged to do their social media update after the dance, where they had to remain somewhat composed, before they were sent back up to the viewing area, where they could watch the other couples dance.

"Cut." The results show filming was finally finished and the YouTuber with his Australian dance partner were safe, be some miracle, for another week. Joe finally felt like he could breath properly again, after being overwhelmed by nerves for the last week.

"Hey, do you want to come back to mine tonight? I know it'd be late, but we could film this week's reaction before the crazy of next week's rehearsals start again?" Joe proposed his question to his dance partner, hoping she'd give him a yes, as he'd had a few rough and lonely nights this week, with Byron being away. The idea of having some company in his apartment put his mind at ease somewhat.

"I'd love to say yes but I've got next week's dance to choreograph tomorrow morning and I'm knackered and could do with a substantial night's sleep." The professional dancer responded, completely oblivious to the real reason behind the YouTuber's request.

"Alright, fair enough," His face dropped with his response, clearly gutted at her response

"Are you alright Joe?" The Australian probed, seeing his face drop but having no idea why, he just shook his head, tears beginning to gather in his eyes. Dianne quickly looked around, hoping nobody was watching him, knowing he'd hate any attention for his evident upset. She then guided him out of the ballroom, down many empty and winding corridors, and into his dressing room. As she closed the door he let out a deep sob, allowing some of the pressure that had been building up within the 27-year-old. Dianne just held him, giving him time and space to feel any emotion that engulfs him, without pressing him for answers or explanations.

"I've just been feeling a bit lonely." Joe finally told his dance partner, once his sobs had settled and he was feeling more in control "I shouldn't really be feeling lonely though because I get to spend all day with you, which is the most stable and continuous company I've had in years and yet I go home and I just feel so alone." He elaborated on his emotions

"That's okay Joe, that's normal, everybody feels down and lonely sometimes, I promise." His dance partner replied, in a desperate attempt to make him feel less alone, in that moment she knew the idea of a good night's sleep was out of the window and that she would be spending tonight with her dance partner and new best friend, hoping to make him feel a little better.

"I know it's normal, but most normal people don't have themselves to blame for their loneliness. I could have had a happy family surrounding me, with a loving girlfriend or maybe even wife and a child, or maybe a few children, who knows," The YouTuber was rambling now, but Dianne allowed him to continue, hoping he'd be able to work out some emotion for himself by talking them through "But I ruined that, I couldn't save her and now when I feel alone I only have myself to blame." He concluded, the tears beginning to pick up again as the breathing became increasingly irregular.

"Joe, that's not true, there is nothing you could have done to save her. And I know that probably hurts as much as the idea of you not saving her even if you could, but it's true. This isn't your fault, not a single part of it." The Australian informed her dance partner, hoping she could make him feel better "Now let's get an Uber back to yours and film that video, then we can talk for as long as you want." She told the celebrity dancer sat next to her

"But you want a good night sleep because you're up ear-"

"Tonight, isn't about me, it's all about you and I'll miss an entire night's sleep if it means making you feel any better." She cut her dance partner off, Joe just nodded in response, knowing, as much as he hated to admit it, he needed this sort of help tonight.

As the pair made their way over to the sofa after filming the video, Joe was already doing much better. His face had lit up now with joy as the pair laughed at last week's terrible dance rehearsals, being able to see it as funny now, despite the trauma it had caused during the week.

"So Joe, how are you feeling." The red head asked her dance partner as they sat down, hoping to start an honest and open conversation about his struggles this past week

"Guilty." The YouTuber responded with a one-word answer, not wanting to overwhelm his dance partner with too many complex emotions that often plagued his mind

"And why is that?" She propped further, wanting to get to the bottom of tonight's unexpected breakdown

"I've been thinking about him a lot, my son." He revealed, leaving Dianne surprised as he
had never really dwelled on him before "He's nearly 5 and half now, and I've never met
him, yet he's out there. And for some reason this week he's all I can think about when I'm
alone, usually it's her that consumes my mind, but this week its been him." Joe carried on,
explaining the source of his guilt to his dance partner, who patiently listened to his struggles.

"I'm not going to pretend I know what it feels like, because we both know I don't. But I can
only imagine that guilt is normal, it shows that you care." Dianne reassure, slightly at a loss
as to what she could possible say to make him feel any better.

"Oh I do, I really do care about him, I just wish I could tell him that I did." He whispered,
slightly embarrassed as to his raw emotions he was exposing to the woman sat next to him,
who he had only known for still just a matter of months.

"I'm sure you will Joe, one day, I'm sure you'll be able to show him and the rest of world
how much you care about him." The red head whispered into the crook of his neck as she
pulled him into a warm embrace.