Damaged

Her

With shaking hands, the Youtuber reached up to his camera, which was resting on his tripod, pressing the record button he took a deep breath, and then stared at the lens, struggling to find the words that would enable him to tell his story. But he managed, he found the words, he told his story to his camera, his four walls and his bed. The sentences tumbled out of his mouth, disjointed and confused. Finally, he was finished, he had told his story, months after it happened, and the video was ready to be shared to the world. His mouse hovered over the upload button, before quickly darting away from it and choosing the delete instead, he wasn't ready, and he wasn't sure he ever would be. His thoughts quickly turned darker again and the traumas of his life started infiltrating his somewhat clearer mind, with sharp and uneven breaths, the 21 year old collapsed back into his bed, where he found a half finished bottle of wine.

The pair were alone in the apartment, sat together on the sofa, in complete silence.

"I was 20, she 19." The now 27-year-old began in a shaky voice "I had just uploaded my first ever video onto YouTube, then she rang me, that evening. Her voice was a sort of excited mixed with incredible fear and upset. She told me she was pregnant, that we were going to be parents." He continued, still unsure of how much he felt comfortable telling the woman that sat next to him, whom he had only known for a matter of weeks still. But whilst looking into her sparkling brown eyes, he knew that he could trust her, that he could tell her and that he would be safe with her "I was elated to say the very least, I couldn't believe it and I was nervous of course but all of a sudden my life felt like I knew where it was going, it just felt right." His voice was beginning to shake

"It's okay, you can take as much time as you need." The red head, who was captivated by her dance partner's story reassured after hearing his voice catch and seeing tears beginning to form in his eyes

"We worked so hard for months, I thatched, I filmed and I edited whilst she worked at her job and decorated our small little 2 bedroom house we were renting. Everything felt so normal, I had no idea what was going on in her head, the inner turmoil that she must have been facing as we prepared for our special little bundle of joy." He continued to tell his story, a smiling somewhat growing across his face as he reminisced "Then, when she was 33 weeks pregnant, I got a call." He stated, the smile had quickly dissipated from his face, replaced with tears rolling down his cheeks. Dianne reached across the sofa to wipe them away. "It was a policewoman, she told me she had attempted to kill herself and was currently in hospital, on life support." The steady stream of tears that had rolled down his face were now replaced with a tsunami, that dissolved his adult face into what Dianne could only imagine to be his childlike and scared countenance.

"I'm so sorry Joe," The red head said in his pause, slightly dumbfounded at the heartache her usually cheerful and goofy dance partner had experienced in his life

"I was told our son had been saved but he to was fighting for his life after being starved of oxygen and being born so prematurely." He carried on, ignoring his dance partner's comment, too absorbed by his own story "That was when I truly lost it, I went into hospital to see her, but I refused to see him, I couldn't bring myself to meet him, knowing that we weren't doing it together, so I went home again and never went back to that hospital. Three days later, I got a call saying she had passed away but he was still here, still fighting they said. But I still didn't go and see him." He admitted, avoiding eye contact with Dianne, feeling as though she must have been judging him

"Oh Joe, oh I'm so sorry, it must have been terrible," She said, pulling him in to an embrace as an attempt to comfort the distraught man sat in front of her

"It was, it was the worst pain I've ever felt." He responded, accepting the embrace, fortunate that she wasn't judging him "And the days became weeks and I found myself drowning my sorrow, in hopes that I'd wake up one day and it was all just a dream but it wasn't, and it never will be. I'll never have her back, I'll never have that life I was promised." He stated, still nestled into the crook of his dance partners neck, enjoying the security it provided "I was useless, I didn't work, I didn't let my family come and see me, I gave up on living for months."

"No Joe, that's not useless, that's normal." The Australian reassured him

"I was a useless father; I gave him up for adoption." He declared, in a strangled tone, suggesting he still hadn't come to accept this part of the story "I left my very own child." He continued, the tears came back, heavier this time and filled with so much grief "I never saw him, and I never will, I came to terms with that years ago, but it hurts so much." He concluded, in a grief-ridden tone. Leaving Dianne unable to respond, not knowing how to reassure the man she only met weeks ago.

The pair continued their embrace for what felt like hours, she was rubbing his back like a mother would to her upset child, whist he continued to sob, hoping to relieve some pent-up anger and upset that plagued every minute of every day for him.

"And how re you doing now, I don't mean in this minute because I can see you're devastated but in general, how are you coping?" Dianne questioned, hoping to encourage him to talk about his feelings, knowing it must hep

"I don't really know, I can go days without really thinking about it, when I get absorbed into work or dancing now or anything like that, I feel okay. And then I have days where I can't get out of bed, where everything I do reminds me of her and what she would be doing if she were still here and why I couldn't realise she was is pain and needed me to help her because then she might still be here and I wouldn't be here, laying in your arms sobbing. I could be a proper Dad with him, with my child, I could teach him how to read and write and play football and ride a bike." He rambled, clearly still distraught about what his life could be. Dianne just continued to sooth him, whilst she began to process the story and make sense of the complex life her new friend has had leading up to this moment, still unsure as to what to say to make anything easier.

"I'm sorry for telling you all this, I hate to burden others with it, I don't know why I did it," Joe started up rambling again after his tears had began to calm

"Shhh Joe, it's okay, I'm glad you told me, it's good to tell people." She reassured, he just nodded into her neck "Is there anything else you want to talk about, anything that would make you just a little happier?" The red head asked, hoping to life the spirits of her dance partner slightly

"Can I talk about her?" He asked, raising his head with a smile beginning to turn up at the edge of his mouth

"Of course you can Joe." She replied

"She was called Nina, she is pretty much the most beautiful woman I've ever clapped my eyes on, with long flowing dark hair and brown sparkling eyes that could read my face better than anybody else could, she knew what I was thinking often before I had even realised." He began, the smile somewhat growing "She was kind and loving and often sensitive. I could never read what she was thinking like she could to me, I used to stare at her when she was in a trance and wonder what was going on behind those beautiful eyes," He paused before taking a deep inhale "I guess now I know." He concluded, the smile began to dissipate from his softened face

"But it's too late."