Turquoise Puppet

Chapter 15

All this time I never knew,

I've been waiting for this day.

"Jesus Christ."

A hiss escapes your lips as you look up from Esmae's diary. You need to take another breath. Reading Esmae write about her own crimes in such an audacious manner has left you feeling rather suffocated, as though her words are a deep, dark pool, and Alec's bullet a push that has plunged you into that pool. Now, you find yourself choking in the gravity of the truth—the truth that everyone but you knew.

"What's wrong?"

You jump at the sound of the voice. You turn to see your mother standing in the doorway of your study. Only then do you remember that she's only been out to buy groceries.

"Nothing...I need some time alone. Please."

She studies you for a second before nodding. "I'll be right outside, okay?"

"Thank you."

The next entry is also the last entry. The date itself makes you grit your teeth. You must do this. You must read on. There is no turning back now. Know either nothing or everything.

November 29

This is it for me. This is it.

Where did I go wrong? I'm sure Koen started being skeptical of Alec at some point, way back in high school, I'm sure of it. And I'm sure that, with every additional incident, Alec has only looked more suspicious: maybe he's bi after all, maybe he actually did like some of the girls I made him date after all, maybe there was something between he and I after all, maybe he did get involved with some gang or something after all, maybe he staged the whole aphrodisiac thing after all—there are so many things in these five years that could have broken their trust completely. There are so many things, and I'm sure, very sure, that Koen has at least had some suspicions about him, if not all.

But why does he still look at me that way? Why does he still write and play his music for Alec?

True, he doesn't sing his own songs, and it's mostly the melody that he composes and not the actual words—but he does write the lyrics too sometimes, although the songs aren't his to perform ultimately. And when he does, I know who they are written for.

It's not me.

It was never me.

And I realize, now, it will never be me.

It's been too long. I must end it all. Yes, I know, five years aren't that long, realistically speaking. But I've been with Koen almost every day in all five years. The fact that I've spent so much time with him makes it so that making no progress is unacceptable. It's unacceptable, but it must also be constant. He hasn't met Alec at all, but remains devoted. Now, I question: is it really Alec I'm jealous of, or the relationship itself?

I gave him a call yesterday to tell him my plan. I told Alec that I'll break everything to Koen. I'll tell him everything about us, from the first day till the last.

"Why would you do that?" His cautious, worried tone confirms that my decision is right. All these years, whatever I did to Alec, he never once flinched. Sure, he hates me for it, but he never seemed particularly concerned as long as I did nothing to Koen.

"Because you were right. He will never like me."

I must have what I want. And if I can't have it, I will destroy it.

"What are you implying?"

"You've seen us in action, haven't you? Remember the first day, when I showed you our underground chambers at night?"

"...what is that supposed to mean?"

But he must know what I mean. And that response just shows that he remembers it clear as day. That night, I'd shown him a questioning session. I showed him the torture. I showed him how it's done. We didn't kill anyone that night, but that's the point—the man made it out of there without any visible scars, only half alive. And he would live the rest of his life under our shadow whether he obliged or not.

"What do you think I mean?" I asked him instead.

"You...you're not going to hurt Koen."

"I will. I will give him hell. I will have my men do everything you saw that day and more. He will not live past tomorrow. And there is nothing you can do about it."

"You...you can't...possibly..."

Yes, it's this I want to hear. Finally. It's the sound of Alec finally starting to break down. It's so satisfying and I can't even explain why. I simply like it.

"Yes I can. We have a date tomorrow—it doesn't matter if I tell you anyway—I'll tell him everything and have the gang tear him apart afterwards. We don't even have to care about scars if we're not going to let him live, you know. But you know what I like even more about this?"

He didn't answer. In fact, he was dead silent on the other end.

"After that we'll come for you. I'll be sure to film it and show you before we deal with you."

"What?" he whispered. "I thought you liked him. I thought—"

"But you were right. He will never love me. That's why I must wreck him."

He hung up right there.

Obviously, I wasn't about to tell him that the gang will only act if I call, and I'll call only after I've told Koen everything—so, technically, he missed nothing by hanging up early.

I'll bet Alec spent the rest of yesterday and maybe even all of today trying to get anyone, any institution or organization, that might be able to help. And I know he won't succeed. Why do you think our group has survived up to now? I'm kind of excited to find out what he tried to do in this period, but I'm most excited about seeing his face, twisted in pain.

Haha.

☆☆☆

When you opened the door to find Alec there that night, you were overwhelmed by a variety of emotions. First was the feeling of doom, as if his being there signified something important that made him break through the silent consensus between you—it was him who asked you blatantly to not tell Esmae you had ever spoken, but now, here he was, right in front of you.

Confusion. Ominousness.

But most of all, the unmistakable skip of your heartbeat. No—to call it a skip would be an understatement. In truth, it felt as though your heart very nearly jumped out of your chest. In his eyes was a resolve stronger than anything you'd ever known, and if he was attractive to you before, he made you fall in love all over again now, as if it was the first time.

It was that moment that began to doubt every decision you had made in the past years. Yet, the doubt that you felt then was still a faint one.

If only for a moment, your mind travelled back to the last time you had seen him.