Lost in Danville

Chapter 1

"Perry the Platypus, your timing is extraordinary!" Doofenshmirtz declares. "And by extraordinary, I mean completely ordinary!"

Perry just stares at him.

"Like, seriously, would it kill you to shake it up a little bit?" Doofenshmirtz asks. "Anyways..."

Doofenshmirtz hits a button on his remote, and Perry is trapped in a net. It's almost ironic, given that Doofenshmirtz just asked him to shake it up.

Doofenshmirtz puts the remote in his lab coat. "You remember the platypinator, right, Perry the Platypus? You know, when I turned myself into a platypus because I thought I could best you in battle if we were both platypuses?"

Perry definitely does remember that, but given that it ended in embarrassing defeat for his nemesis, he's not sure why he would bring it up.

"Well, it occurs to me that I may have gone about it the wrong way," Doofenshmirtz says. "You see, Perry the Platypus, I never stood a chance against you because we still weren't evenly matched. You've been a platypus for... how old are you?"

Perry rolls his eyes.

"Okay, whatever," Doofenshmirtz says. "You've been a platypus for however many years you've been alive. I had only been a platypus for, like, ten minutes. If I wanted the advantage, I would have to turn you human instead!"

Perry's eyes widen. He's not seriously going to turn Perry human, is he? That's ridiculous on so many levels, and it's not even a useful kind of ridiculous. Perry doesn't beat him because he's a platypus; he beats him because he's more skilled.

"Behold, the humanator!" Doofenshmirtz pulls the sheet off his inator and gestures widely to it. "You know, platypinator, humanator?"

Perry just narrows his eyes.

"Yeah, I'll work on the name," Doofenshmirtz says. "Now, I know what you're thinking. I can't turn you human in a platypus-sized trap, right?" Doofenshmirtz reaches for another remote. "That's why I got this."

A cage falls from the ceiling and over Perry, who's still inside the net. The cage would definitely work on a human, so Perry can see why he thought it was a good idea, but it would only hold a human. The bars are far enough apart that Perry could sneak out..

"Now, hold still, Perry the Platypus," Doofenshmirtz says. "It won't hurt a bit."

Doofenshmirtz remotely lets Perry out of the net, obviously expecting the cage to hold him, but Perry slips through with ease.

"Wait, Perry the Platypus, don't —"

Perry jumps up and kicks Doofenshmirtz in the face. Per usual, this results in a very intense fight, and Perry thinks it's going really well until Doofenshmirtz makes his way back to the inator. Perry jumps up, trying to hit him away, but instead, he puts himself right in the ray's way when Doofenshmirtz hits the button.

Perry falls to the floor, squeezing his eyes shut. His whole body is tingling. It doesn't hurt — Doofenshmirtz had his back on that one — but it feels weird. It's uncomfortable, to say the least, and it feels like it goes on for ages.

When Perry feels almost normal again, he opens his eyes and looks around. Everything looks about the same, which is comforting, but he knows even before he looks that the inator worked, both because Doofenshmirtz's inators almost always work and because he's never felt so naked in his life. He usually has hair, and he's perfectly happy with it. Now, he can't even say that.

Perry immediately takes off his fedora and covers his nether regions. Of the many reasons Perry didn't want Doofenshmirtz to succeed, this one hadn't even occurred to him.