Lost in Danville

Chapter 4

"Perry the Humanpus, could you hand me the screwdriver?" Doofenshmirtz asks, holding his hand out.

Perry does as he's told.

"Thank you, Perry the Humanpus," Doofenshmirtz says, and turns his attention back to the Platypinator-in-progress.

Perry briefly debates telling him that he can just say "Perry," but he decides against it. Doofenshmirtz always calls him "Perry the Platypus." It would probably be weirder to hear just "Perry" than "Perry the Humanpus."

"You know," Doofenshmirtz says, "it occurs to me that you know everything about me, and I know nothing about you."

Perry eyes him warily. "That's true."

"I just think that, you know, since you have a mouth now, we could even the playing field a different way," Doofenshmirtz says. "So our relationship isn't so one-sided."

"What do you want to know?" Perry asks. He's not so sure he wants to answer any questions — this is his nemesis, after all — but he does have a point. And what's the worst that could happen? For a self-proclaimed evil scientist, he doesn't do much evil.

"What's your family like?" Doofenshmirtz asks. "I mean, you know all about my family. Vanessa, my parents, Roger..." He says that name with such disgust that Perry can't help but smile to himself. Typically Doof. "All I know about yours is that there are a couple of kids with goofy-shaped heads, and that's just because I saw the flyer."

Perry chuckles. "Yeah, they're... they're great. They're really good people."

"But what are they like?" Doofenshmirtz asks.

Perry shrugs. "They're good people."

"You know, there's a difference between 'my parents hated me' and 'my parents didn't show up for my birth, I had to work as a lawn gnome, and I was raised by ocelots,' and right now, you're on the first side," Doofenshmirtz tells him. "Except, you know, the opposite. They didn't hate you. But you know what I mean."

Perry lets out a long breath. How does he even begin to describe his family? He could spend hours talking about Ferb alone, and he barely even speaks. To talk about all five Flynn-Fletchers... that would take days, and he still wouldn't be able to explain how much he loves them.

He decides to start with the boys. They're the ones he spends the most time with, after all. They're the ones that had him in tears an hour ago because he missed them so much. It only seems logical that he starts with them.

"The kids really like building things," Perry says. "They built a whole beach in the backyard just to spite the radio DJ. They fixed the time machine from the museum and got stuck for a while after a dinosaur stepped on the machine."

"But they're, like, five," Doofenshmirtz says.

"Eight, and yes, yes they are a little young to be doing everything they're doing," Perry says.

"You know, I've always wanted to make a time machine," Doofenshmirtz says. "I could go back and undo my whole childhood."

"I'm not so sure you want to mess with time," Perry says warily.

"Oh, relax," Doofenshmirtz says. "What's the worst that could happen?"

"If they could alter the future just trying to get home, I don't want to know what the worst you could do is," Perry says. "But I will be here to thwart you if you ever try to figure it out."

"What if I just ask your family?" Doofenshmirtz asks. "I mean, they already know how —"

"I would have you arrested before you can even finish your question," Perry interrupts.