The Onyx Desire Of An Onyx Heart [Aizawa x Student! Reader]

16: Thoughts And Fears

(Name) woke up at about 5 AM to Rex chomping on her toes.

She was about too many hours early, unable to go back to sleep. The sun hadn't risen yet, and she took comfort in its absence. Likewise, she felt something was absent in her, though she couldn't tell what. Nonetheless, it was replaced by the overwhelming feeling of something else.

(Name) thumped her legs, punching the pillows repeatedly and startling Rex, who'd chosen to find entertainment elsewhere. The memories of last night were so mortifingly vivid and recent she fumed with embarrassment. She wanted to climb a tree and never come back.

Looking at it without just screaming, (Name) had done something very very bad. Yeah, she wanted to get closer to him, yeah, she really would love to be with him and maybe get in his pants, however the moral ethics involved did not agree with any hopes and dreams (Name) had imagined in some far off fantasy.

There was a twist in her stomach as she thought of it with more logic. Aizawa was important to her, she couldn't deny that. And she wasn't lying, she loved him, and may very well be in love with him. If he asked her to drive a car into a lake or marry him, she's say yes to either without hesitating, though maybe with more joy for the latter of the two. In other words, she would do just about anything for him.

But blurting that confession, in that way, while half asleep. It had not been an epic gamer move to say the least.

Her chest ached, churning as it stirred up a storm. There was too much she wished she hadn't done and too much she wished she had done. The warmth on his body was too much for her to bear, she wanted to touch him more. She wanted to please him. She wanted to make him happy.

The reality of it was that that would be impossible. The League of Villains would sooner kidnap a student under their watch than the chance of her ever being the one to make him happy, yet she desired so desperately to do something for him. Heat crawled to the bridge of her nose, and her eyes began to sting. A headache was coming on.

Aizawa was an amazing man. He was kind to her, and he was nice and helpful and smart and strong and brave and breathtaking in every way. Even his scruffiness was something she smiled at, she imagined running her hands over his jaw and tracing his stubble. She'd never picture that with anyone else. It was because it was him.

And yet, that was a teacher at her school she was thinking of so inappropriately. She'd known him since she was 15, and he was an adult. She wasn't someone whose feelings could be returned.

But would it be so bad to pretend?

To pretend she could be held in the way she wanted him to? And that her love would be given back in equal measure? If there was a reason she was born, what other reason would it have been than to meet him?

A tightness clenched in her throat and the fact that (Name) was crying made itself known. Tears overflew her (eye color) orbs, pooling up as she dropped down on her pillow and she finally sat up, rubbing her eyes no matter how much it did nothing. Her body shook with the emotional and physical turmoil thundering too strongly for her to handle. (Name) sobbed for a very long time in the early hours of the day before the morning star even arose.

The roaring nausea that ricocheted in her heart and stomach were forcefully suppressed. Tears wouldn't make things go back the way they were, because no matter how she looked at it, things would not be the same.

Looking back now, it'd been a while since something like this writhed so horrifyingly painful in her chest. Need was an ugly thing.

Because with everything that would change, (Name) was afraid that the love she had for him would not. And it was repulsive, and she was ashamed of herself.

There was a knock on her door that snapped her out of her trance of self loathing. It made her jump.

A few seconds of silence passed.

"I'm leaving now. Take care of the cat, and yourself."

Nothing followed after that, and she heard steps descend down the steps before fading away.

That's right. She said she would make him lunch, and never got to.

Before the week was over, the 1-A and 1-B students would be attacked. Before that though, one of (Name)'s friends had invited herself in.

"How's Summer break treating you?" chirped Neijire once she was inside her house.

"It's boring, and way too hot. I'm glad we have air conditioning," (Name) laughed, pouring a cup of soda for the girl.

Neijire glanced up at her curiously. "(Name), have you had any sleep?"

"Not really, I've been staying up binging TV and being upset at not having second season," (Name) joked as she sat down beside her friend on the floor. That was a lie.

"I get you! Especially that supernatural show that just finished airing, I can't believe they would leave it on a cliffhanger like that! Ugh, I'm so upset!" she huffed, crossing her arms.

"Isn't it based on a novel? You can just read ahead," (Name) suggested.

"That's true, I guess," Neijire hummed. "You should come with me to get it! Don't you have a library pass or something?"

"Wh-Now?" (Name)'s stomach dropped.

"Why not? I don't think we really have anything better to do," Neijire replied obliviously.

"It's just, I don't really feel like going outside right now." More accurately, she might have to puke if she went outside.

Neijire blinked with worry, furrowing her eyebrows in concern. "Are you okay, (Name)? You look pale."

"No I don't," (Name) said defensively. She did. "I, I think I might be sick. Maybe it's the heat, but I feel hazy. I'd rather stay inside if I can help it, at least for now."

"Yeah, that's fine," Neijire nodded. "Maybe you should see a doctor though. Aren't you going to stay with your mom for the second half of the break? It won't be good for you to spend it like this."

"I think I'll be okay if I get some rest," (Name) smiled. She felt apologetic towards Neijire, who showed care to someone so filthy.

"You're right. I'll be here if you need me though, okay? To help you with any problem you have!" she offered sweetly.

"Thanks, Neijire. I appreciate it." Unless Neijire could fix this guilt and make her not wanna sleep with a teacher, something told (Name) she wouldn't be seeking her help any time soon.