for all of the times you could have said i love you, and didn't.

how many of our inside jokes have i had to forget?

do you feel me,
in the middle of the summer?
do you get flashbacks when you are sitting on your front porch watching the cars go by?
do you remember the words i said?
because i remember you,
in the soft way the air warms me,
and the way the bugs barely miss me
when they fly by.
almost as if they know
i've been in mourning for far too long.
i remember you in the way my back aches against my outdoor wicker couch,
and the way my feet are tucked under my body.
i remember you in the way the trees whisper that i will never be good enough.
i remember you
in the way the fresh cut grass smells,
and the way my brothers toys sit on it.
i remember you in the way my fence is going a little bit green,
the same color my hair was when i met you.
you laughed when you saw it for the first time.
i smile sometimes at my fence,
and my mother asks me what's wrong.
i cant find it in my heart to tell her that her daughter
is a monster.
she would be ashamed of me.