Someday,maybe...again ( eruri )

Truth

<<< Erwin pov >>>

I never ever wanted or thought I would have to tell Levi. I thought I could somehow skip that part of the conversation, dodge the questions if they ever came up. But that was honestly stupid of me. It's impossible to refuse him anything already, it's only logic that having him so adamant on getting his answer, seeing him insecure and wondering what part of him could have made me pull back just made it impossible for me to hold it in.

Yes, I would want nothing more than to have Levi look at me the same way forever, to keep him chained to me, us, to avoid crushing what he considered the fundamentals of "his Erwin". But I cannot bear seeing him questioning himself. No... So I told him. Not everything, but he got the big picture... Rather he got a certain big picture. And now even catching me looking, longing for him, craving his touch or even kissing him again wouldn't get him insecure, anxious or doubtful. He'd still ... Hate me...

God! What have I done?

I should have told him the complete truth. Not just that small fragment, That hinted at something so close yet so far from the truth. God! He thinks I used him to cheat!

I would never cheat in general, let alone on Levi.

And even if I had been dating someone else, I'd have called it off before starting anything with him.

But that's what Levi wanted... A clean break. Something to tear him away from me for good. Something that would give him peace of mind no matter how inconsistent my behavior could be. I couldn't take that away from him then, and I would do it again now with hardly any second thoughts, were we to have that conversation again.

Being apart, and able to still sneak glances his way was something I could cope with. It's nowhere near enough, but I could live with just that. Just those instances where Levi looked so smitten with me, where Levi loved me even though I walked away... I was a jerk to him, but he still looked at me with the same tenderness in his silver eyes. I hardly said anything to him, just hoped he'd always understand me, whenever I needed, craved to hear him talk, and when, and why, I'd have to ignore his attempts at simple conversation...

I could live with just that, and had the stupidity to think I could live with less. Less that at the time I never thought would involve a hateful, vengeful Levi. I didn't know what to say. How to explain this... So I just blurted out whatever seemed the closest. God! How stupid can I get? Making Levi hate me just to give him closure... But he needs it. And I am not going back with Levi. Not till I finish this.

Not ever it seems... Seeing how he now hates me.

*********

It's been 4 hours since Levi stormed out of my house. I'm on my couch, the couch closest to the wall Levi shoved me against. I've been thinking of just going after him and explaining the whole situation. Just so I could erase those images of Levi's eyes burning with fury and hate... Images of Levi walking away. But again, I can't.

My cheek is swollen. It stings. But I don't even care enough to do something about it. I just want Levi back. Thank God my feet are too heavy to take me there. I can't do this to him now. I need to leave him alone and just focus on my problem.

There's a woman I've loved like I've never loved anyone. Levi was a really close call. But I was so focused on my memories of her I never really gave him a chance. Don't get me wrong I love Levi. I need him. I long for him. I thought I could live with him and just get over her that way. But I've been looking for her for so long that I couldn't make myself stop. Even for Levi, however much I wanted to. I swear. But, she would just pop out in my head at random times. And I would drift off thinking about her again.