Someday,maybe...again ( eruri )

Hear me out

<<< Erwin pov >>>

I can't help reliving the dream over and over again as I clean the mess I made on the bedroom carpet. The fact that I can still remember every second of it, every emotion and physical sensation- I wince at that particular memory- is already proof enough that that could not have been just a dream. It felt too intense, too real, too much... like deja-vu maybe? I don't know how to explain but sometimes I would know what would happen before it would, but I would only realize that afterwards... I don't know if that makes sense, but it felt like I was witnessing and actively living in it, predicting an outcome but only being able to react one-second too late every time, like an out-of-body-experience... It could in no way have been just a dream... If It weren't for the content I would say for sure, it's a flashback. Usually they come at me that way. I re-live a past situation as both a witness and an actor. It's confusing, but it makes them easier to recognize later on. So really... As inconceivable, improbable and dare I say, absurd. What I just relived is without a doubt a memory. Rather memories... And at the risk of repeating myself, as strange as it might seem those, were probably our past lives, mine and... The person I've been looking for, and at the same time, the one I decided would be the one from that moment on, after having left them...  

I can't hold in the chuckle that breaks through my lips. It soon burns into full out manic laughter. There is no joy in me to laugh right now. But the situation is just so absurd I can't not  at it, at my stupidity, at my ignorance... The empty cackle echoes in my bedroom, replaced by a sad snort, the only indication of the wave of frustration and helplessness, reminiscent of those I felt so strongly and so bitterly in the dream - vision, flashback or whatever I'm supposed to call it- hitting me. The irritation distracts me for a while till melancholy really kicks in. I let the towel slip from my hand, and let myself fall on my knees. My mind no longer even registers the noxious stench coming from just beside me. I can only stare into space as my brain tries to get a hold of this whole mess.

I can't believe this... After all of this... All the pain I caused him, myself, us... After I hesitated for years and then finally decided to look for what I thought I had lost, breaking up with Levi and telling him that I had someone else waiting for me...Why? Why did it only come back to me now of all times? Why not just a few months earlier? I don't understand why I had to ruin my relationship with Levi, and possibly all chances of regaining a healthy something with him, before I could remember and finally realize that the one I was looking for, seeing in my dreams and trying to remember all along has always been him. Were we doomed before we even tried? Is it our destiny to always lose each other one way or another? To face insurmountable obstacles each and every time we were to be together? Was it written somewhere that Levi and I absolutely had to go to hell and back in order for us to be together for a while before we were separated forever? Is this what it all means? That we never were meant to be in the first place? That we never would? Is this the world's way of showing us how  conceited we are? How arrogant of us to try to defeat destiny time and time again? How we're never gonna measure up? Never gonna overcome whatever hurdle it chooses to plant our way? Is this to say that we should just give up and let things follow their natural flow? Does this mean that even though Levi is the one I've been looking for I'll have to give him up again? 

Fuck! 

I've had to see him being pulled from my side far too many times already to bare even the thought of giving him up! We've been torn apart in so many ways already it's unbelievable; I've had him kidnapped and married off to a life of forced matrimonial servitude in a foreign country by Kenny that time he came back as my female lover. We've been found out, tortured in all ways possible for days, to then witness Levi's execution while I got ironed and sent off to slave-traders at my father's orders after our elopement was exposed. I had to see him being hung before my very eyes before I received the exact sentence because of our sole sexual orientation. We then were kept from each other because of our difference in statuses they said, and even with Mike doing his best to help us we ended up being found and I had to let him go after helplessly seeing him being tortured for months... The bastards didn't lay a hand on me! They kept me chained, and fed me through an IV while I had to watch him being drained of his blood day after day... Punishments had been bestowed on us when they found out a Nazi soldier had been protecting and having a romantic relationship with a jew... That time too was awful... The more times we were re-born, the more horrific deaths we had, and the less happy moments we would have the time to have. I can even recall times when I only became aware of who Levi was when it was far too late, be because of a mortal disease, too wide of an age difference, actual insurmountable distance... And vice versa... The only time where we really had enough time to bond, to let our relationship evolve on it's own, to not recognize each other but to actually get to know every nook and cranny of each other's minds and souls, to have moments I can now look back upon with a smile... We only had that in our first life... The one where I had him as my captain, where we stole whatever moments, no matte how short to savor each other's sole presence... Where we would sneak kisses and cuddles without a care in the world. Even while carrying the heavy load of humanity's survival, we made time to love, care for and protect each other the best we could. At that time, that kind of life seemed pretty confining and draining, but it was one of our happiest. We got to fight for humanity, prove our worth to the world, while finding the exact piece of human flesh and soul that complemented us, filled us with hope and faith that anyone at that time and place would consider madness. We found in each other what made dealing with what we were facing better, what made us capable of feeling happiness in that horrible, depressing and completely dark atmosphere. For God's sake it made that life the best of all the next ones.