Someday,maybe...again ( eruri )

Change of perspective

I've been hesitating forever between publishing this chap as just one long chap or 2. One would take too long, and be a pain in the ass to read, while 2 would just be way too far from how i first pictured it. ><

So after numerous days, weeks and months of thinking I decided to have it as just one chapter.

Ok there's also the part where i'm lazy, actually the laziest person u might encounter and that i just came accross a whole lot of good fanfictions here on wattpad and on fanfiction.net and ofc archive of our own... u might wanna check them out cos they rock!!! but that's beside the point... I'm also watching one piece and gintama, having morning shifts then courses till 7pm AND NIGHT SHIFTS !!!

And Then I got sick...

And then I needed to study for up-coming exams... Still do actually :3

<<< Erwin pov >>>

I don't know why seeing Petra Ral made me remember the promise and her, but it did. Well, at least I know one more person was involved in this mess. I don't know why the sight of Petra Rall triggered my memory while talking with Eren did nothing but further confuse me. She must have been of extreme importance in her life, must have interfered with ours at some point if the sheer sight of her made me remember our promise. I still don't remember her though, the promise just popped in my head but that's about it. I'm kinda relieved though. Seeing as what I promised was to find her, not to be romantically involved with her, to marry, love or anything of that sort, like I feared. Which has me thinking that maybe I made this whole thing up. Not her and the promise, no! But the relationship part... I know I remember holding her in my arms and all, but she could as well have been family. Finding her would mean something completely different then. And I would have wrecked a perfectly functioning and probably, no definitely the best relationship I've ever had for that... God I miss Levi. I wish it could be that. Just someone, I promised to find, like a long-lost friend or something, completely platonic. I could just explain everything to Levi once I remember everything and I'm sure once and for all this is it. Would he believe me? Or would he think I'm just toying with his feelings? Would he even give me the time of day and listen to what I have to say to him? God I have no idea how he's gonna react... I just want this to be it. I want this whole thing solved and done with. I want Levi back. I want Levi. Simple. I'm well aware she's most probably a past lover of mine. That degree of affection, could not have been my imagination. And that no matter how much I berate myself into thinking that we weren't romantically involved, to convince myself that she's but a ghost of the past, I can't deny this gut feeling that tells me she wasn't just that. That a promise that haunted me for so long could not be something I could achieve without devoting my life to it. In the end, it's all my indecisiveness and hesitation coming back to bite me in the ass. 

It's pretty obvious from the way those small flashbacks made me feel, that she meant something, quite a lot, to me. That I should hold on to them and keep looking, that after taking so long to make myself leave Levi for this, I can't afford to stop now. But I can't help the way I'm feeling now. it's just that I find myself  caring less and less about her, and more and more about how I left Levi for a potentially - though improbable- platonic promise to find someone... But what if I went back to Levi - provided he accepted to have me back- and she comes up in our life, and I have doubts again. I can't do that to him twice! That's why the most logical thing to do, would be to wait till I have all of my memory back, or till she shows up, and all of this is cleared up...

So I was thinking that maybe, I should ask Petra if she knew anything about the woman I'm looking for. But every time I start to think about how to bring it up with her, I get overcome by laziness and boredom and the fact that I' caring less and less is made even more obvious... Again... I remembered the promise and it's like a balm has been applied and all the need to scratch the itch's gone... Am I really gonna spend my life looking for a ghost? Looking to the point that I can't even be with Levi? Isn't this supposed to stop someday? I've been actively looking for what now? 3 years? Maybe if I stop looking, I will just stumble upon her like I did with Mike, Hanji, now Eren and Petra... Maybe she'll just pop in my life someday, I'll find her, and be like : "Hey, you're here! I've been looking for you! So now that I've found you, I'm gonna go back to my perfect life with my perfect husband... Oh right here's my husband... Levi... "my husband"  I wish that could happen soon... Me getting back with Levi, and him being my husband... forever... I can't seem to think about anything else these past days, actually since I remembered the promise... No even before that. I've never stopped thinking about Levi and wanting him to be mine again.