Someday,maybe...again ( eruri )

Her

So again, here's the 8th chapter xD

 It's a long one though so brace yourselves.

<<<Erwin pov >>>

I've never in my life wavered so much. I've never so much as re-considered a decision of mine, let alone thought about it for years, to come out with little-to-no answer. And yet here I am once again re-thinking everything that I've done these past weeks.

Hange told me she was gonna corner him today. He's kinda been pushing her and Mike away. They don't like it. Neither do I to be honest. I wouldn't want him to be on his own. It's enough that I bailed on him, he needs someone by his side. I know he tends to bottle things up till he reaches his breaking point, and being alone will only speed up the process. But in the end, we all know it's all about what Levi decides. I wanted to watch from the side-lines while she talked to him, but she told me to stay home and wait for her call instead. She said Levi wouldn't be comfortable talking with me around, and really I know that. It should not take Hange telling me for to think of that but I keep feeling these pangs of regret assaulting my chest at every mention of his name, and I can't watch from the side-lines. I know I gave it all up, but I wanna be able to help him through this. It tears me apart to see how he's just closing up on himself again. but I guess I can no longer do anything about it. I guess I will have to watch as someone else helps him pick up the pieces... I completely deserve this, these chest pains, headaches and mind-numbing worry. Even more so since I don't completely regret my decision.

I question it but I still don't fully regret it.

I'm pacing in my living room, trying to sort through my jumbled-up thoughts, to somewhat compartmentalize them.

1. I know I'm getting closer to finding her. A silhouette keeps getting clearer and clearer. It's like when you're walking in thick fog and you get closer and closer to someone's back. It's not perfectly discernible, but it keeps getting clearer the closer you get to them. A petite woman, frail waist, narrow hips, with hip-long hair, I don't really know why but I can't see colors in this fog, so I can't really say what color her hair is... I also still can't see the face, but I feel like I'll be able to see it any day now. I know I'll be able to see it any day now.

Is she getting closer? Geographically speaking I mean. Is she coming back? Where did she go? Will she recognize me fist? Or will I be able to tell her from the crowd? I don't know... Will I have to explain why I didn't look for her? Has she been waiting for me to find her first? Was that what I promised? Am I willing to find out? Yes Of course. Is it worth everything I did for it? I don't know... For one thing, there's Levi. And I still can't convince myself that what I did to him wasn't 100% wrong. Will it be worth seeing Levi in this much disarray and sorrow? To have lied to him and cast him aside in such a way? To have him hate me this way? I don't know...

Is this guilt ever gonna ease up? Am I ever gonna feel better about causing Levi pain? I doubt it. Will I be able to live with this? I couldn't ignore the guilt of a forgotten promise and ended up breaking up with him for the sake of just that promise. Will I ever be able to live with Levi unhappy on my conscience? This isn't just a promise, someone I have forgotten and that never really bothered looking for me. This is a person that I actually love, someone that I know, someone that I've lied to, and abandoned for no other reason but to appease my conscience. I can't think clearly now that I've caused him grief. Just the thought that I'll ever be able to breathe without feeling this burn is ridiculous. I guess at some point I will have to face him, and explain all of this to him, once I know what's going on. So really, I can only go forth from now. As much as it pains me to do this, I need to banish the thought of going back, grovelling to Levi from my mind.