Numb

1. Decisions And Actions

Have you ever had an event that changed your whole perception of the world? Something happened to you that ruined your life? Or worse, almost, that you caused it? It all seemed so good in the moment but there were unexpected repercussions?

Dave has hated himself for a long time, and for many different reasons. The two things that he cant improve or remove though are the the fact he is a carrier and gay.

He knows that 14.5% of men are carriers, and just under a quarter are LGBTQ+, but they usually overlap, and not all gays are bottoms. Somehow though Dave ended up with all 3. He hates himself for the fact that he has to take pills or use condoms or he could wind up pregnant, something he desperately doesn't want, and his boyfriend doesn't really either.

But of course the universe just wants to fuck him over, so after one drunken condon-less fumble we finds himself growing a child within him.

Dave cleans up the packaging in the dirty public bathroom on auto-pilot, slipping the test into his jacket pocket and washing his hands. He doesn't really feel anything - other than disgust. He knows he has to remove this thing as soon and as secretly as possible. However he also knows he can't do it alone. He pulls out his phone and clicks on the contact.

"Hey Felix?"

Dave sits on Felix's sofa, head in his hands while Marzia rubs comforting circles on his back and Felix paces thoughtfully

"You know, there's not been a male pregnancy this decade?" Dave nods. "You'll really have to do your research - make sure you're safe." Felix smiles, but his eyes pool with worry.

"No need." Dave says bluntly, tiredness seeping into his voice. "That's why I'm here. I wanted to ask you if you can do me a favour and take me to and from the abortion clinic."

"Why cant joel do it?"

"Felix!" Marzia scolds, then softens when she talks to the long haired man beside her. "Of course we'll do it, please ignore my husband's lack of manners."

"Thank you Marzia. And Felix, it's fine. I don't want to worry Joel, he has enough on his plate."

"Of course I'm happy to do it. And Dave - he's your boyfriend, it's his job to worry about you. Joel would drop everything for you - do anything to make you happy."

"Exactly. he'd drop everything- but it's not important. And the thing that'll make me happy is getting rid of this... thing-" he gestures disgustedly at his stomach. "As fast and as quietly as possible. I don't want any worry, or drama, or trouble." he hangs his head and looks so young and vulnerable Felix and Marzia feel an urge to protect him - the same way you would if you saw a precious lost child.

"Okay Dave, we'll help." Felix says gently,and Marzia hugs him carefully.

"Thank you." he whispers hoarsely, on the brink of tears.

"It's no problem." Marzia squeezes him gently.

A week later the day arrives. Dave feels anxious and jittery - a little scared but he tries not to show it - but mainly relieved. Relieved that tonight he'll come home and this period of panic in his life will be over.

He dresses casually - but also baggy and comfortable, unsure of whether he'd be in pain when he leaves. Felix texts him, saying he's outside.

"Baby? Thats me off." He calls out to Joel, who comes in and kisses his cheek softly.

"Where are you going?" He snakes his arms around Dave's waist.

"Out with Felix, remember?" He cuddles the shorter man.

"Oh yeah. Have fun babe." He laughs gently - surgery, very fun.

"Thanks." He tilts Joel's chin up. "Dont do anything stupid while I'm gone." Joel giggles as their lips connect. They stay locked together until a loud car horn startles them apart.

"That'll be Felix - I love you, bye baby." He pecks him one last time before collecting his stuff.

"Love you too, see you babe."

The car journey is relatively quiet, there's some general smalltalk, but they fall into an uncomfortable silence, weighted by the impending event. When they pull into the car park, Dave looks terrified. Felix reaches over and takes his hand.

"Hey, you okay? Do you want me to come in with you?" Dave takes a few deep breaths before replying.

"N-no I, uh, I should be fine. Get my big boy pants on and get it over with." Dave can feel himself disconnecting from the situation. "Oh, here's thirty quid, it's partly thanks and partly for a crappy t-shirt to pretend to Joel with." He presses the money into Felix's hand, who immediately gives it back.

"Dave, no. It's a favour between bros. And after what you're going through the least I can do is buy you a t-shirt. Besides, not to flex, but I'm a millionaire." He jokes.

"But, please take it. I don't want to take anything from you."

"I dont want your fucking money Dave. I want you to be happy. Okay?" He nods. "Okay. look after yourself, I'll be back in a bit." They get out and Felix hugs him carefully.

"Thank you." Dave whispers.

"Be careful, remember you don't have to do anything you don't want to. You sure you don't want me to come in?" His voice is filled with worry again.

"It'll be fine." Dave says, trying to convince himself as much as Felix. The squeeze each other one last time, before pulling away and Dave enters the abortion clinic.

He doesn't really feel anything as he speaks to the receptionist, or sits in the waiting room, or even when his name is called and he's taken by a bubbly young nurse to the doctors office. It's not until he's lying on a hospital bed having an ultrasound done that he even hears anything - and he can't even identify what he hears. It's a small fast rhythmatic fluttering, echoing throughout the small room.

"What is that?"

"Ah- sorry. Most people don't like to hear that. It's the feotus's heartbeat." Before Dave has time to register the doctor's words he's being whisked away into an operation room, where the surgeon explains what's going to happen, then a pretty young nurse is putting a mask on him and next thing you know Dave's out cold.