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8. Crying And Cats

Dave wakes just a mere minute later, however in that minute Joel has got himself so worked up that Felix is having to calm him down before he goes the same way Dave did. He tries to sit up but Marzia pushes him back down gently.

"Joel? He's awake." She calls, being loud but still soft. Immediately a body is slung across his chest, knocking the air out of his lungs.

It's Joel, sobbing and shaking.

"I- you- I- I was, so, so, worried and- and- god!" Dave hugs him carefully, pushing away his own feelings to look after his boyfriend.

"Shh, shh. It's okay, I'm fine, we're fine." Joel continues to cry, while Felix and Marzia sit awkwardly on the bathtub. He gestures with his head for then to leave, but Felix snorts.

"And leave you two to either have panic attacks and black out alone, or fuck on my floor? No thanks bro. We're staying." Dave huffs and sits up, Joel cradled to his chest.

"Can I at least have some water?" He asks, feeling a little lightheaded. Felix eyes Marzia carefully before leaving to get him a glass.

Dave continues to comfort Joel feeling a little shell shocked. How did he, the one who had the traumatic experience, panic attack and passed out, end up being his boyfriends rock?

When Joel is calmer he sits and kisses him. Dave is hyper aware of Marzia's eyes on them. As soon as they break away Dave begins to cry.

It's not loud, full body sobs. The tears fall silently down his cheeks. His face is expressionless and he feels himself disconnecting a little.

Marzia looks away awkwardly, as Joel - still hiccuping - begins to gently wipe Dave's tears and whispers reassuringly to him. She's saved by Felix coming in and giving Dave his water. He drinks it slowly, but all at once, and when he's done his tears have stopped.

"I want to go home." He whispers.

"No, I'm not letting either of you drive right now. You're staying here." Felix says firmly.

"I need to feed Quistis." He argues quietly. Felix mentalky weighs out his options.

"Fine. But I am driving you home, and I want to know if anything happens. If I don't hear from you in 24 hours I will break into your house!" Marzia puts a hand on her husband's chest.

"I think what he means to say is we want to know if you're okay. Clearly he's not the best at expressing concern." She sighs. "We are worried though. If we can help, please let us know how."

"Thanks. I do think though, we just need to go home and talk it out." Joel smiles forcefully.

Once home Dave immediately rushes to the cat bed from which Quistis rarely ventures from and picks her up. She wriggles a little, before accepting her fate. He sits down on the sofa, ignoring Joel completely, and just strokes his cat. His eyes ache as he starts crying again, staring into Quistis's eyes. She starts drooling all over him, purring, whilst also looking disappointed and judgemental. He can picture her thoughts.

'Gods sake David. This isn't good is it?' He imagines her saying in her Luna Lovehood voice. 'A simple thing like that shouldn't cause all this. It's quite silly. Pull yourself together boy.'

"It is quite pathetic, isn't it?" He says quietly, and she mews as if in agreement.

"Are we not going to talk about what happened?" Joel asks, coming into the room. Dave shrugs.

"Depends what you know and what you want to know." He says, tears still rolling down his face, but he's weirdly calm.

"First of all," he sits beside him, Quistis glaring at him, warning him to stay away from her owner. "Well, all I know is you took a test, it was negative and you passed out from some kind of attack. Why did you even take a test when you know you're probably not pregnant yet, it's only been a month, and you need to be at least two weeks for them to work?"

"Marzia asked me to. I knew it'd be negative but I didn't want to fight with her." He focuses on his cat, taking off his glasses and deliberately not looking at Joel.

"Then if you knew it would be negative why did you have an attack?"

"It's very different, it being in your head and physically there in front of you." Dave snaps. "I wouldn't expect you to understand." He spits bitterly, tears falling faster. Joel realises how insensitive his question was.

"Oh- no baby, I didn't mean-" He tries to hug Dave but he flinches away violently, scaring Quistis who jumps off his knee. He stands up and wipes his tears fiercely.

"Done questioning me?" He chokes, and doesn't wait for an answer before running out.

Joel gets a strong feeling he's sleeping on the sofa tonight.

Dave sits in the shower crying and wallowing in self-loathing. When he stands to actually shower he seems to notice every imperfection- especially the thin scar on his stomach.

He gets into bed with wet hair, and alone. After a few hours of battling his intrusive thoughts he wraps himself in the duvet and walks down to where Joel is watching anime on the sofa. He doesn't say anything, just sits on the floor between Joel's legs. He begins to take strands of his boyfriends hair and plait them, waiting for Dave to speak.

"I'm sorry. I overreacted - you didn't know. It's - it's a lot right now. I don't know. There was hope I could be pregnant, which helped keep my thoughts at bay. But seeing that I definitely wasn't it - everything spilled over." He whispers after a few minutes of quiet deliberation.

"No, sweetie. I'm sorry. I was being insensitive. I need to think before I speak." Joel's hands keep steadily braiding his hair, and Quistis comes flouncing in and crawls into Dave's lap. "I think we need to talk about your thoughts." Dave shakes his head. "If not with me, with someone? Marzia?" Somehow this seems worse and Dave sighs.

"I- well. My thoughts pre-test, while I was waiting for the results was what if it's positive? Are we ready? Would you be mad Marzia knew before you again?" He pauses, worried Joel will start laughing, then continues in a smaller voice. "Then afterwards - I... Well, I kept thinking that you'd leave me, because I killed our baby, and I won't be able to get pregnant again, so you'll leave me for a girl who can. And that I won't be able to have another because I killed my first and that I'm a murderer." He strokes Quistis anxiously, waiting for a response.

After a few moments of excruciating suspense Joel slides down til he's sat on the floor behind Dave, his chest flush to his back. He wraps his arms around the older boy and takes his hand, fingers laced together over his stomach.

"Baby, I will never leave you." He murmurs.

"Statistically-"

"Shh,shh. Stop being a scientist and let me love you. I will never leave you - especially not just because you can't have children. When I first got into a relationship with you, I didn't even know you could, remember? I was sure we would have to adopt or something, but you're amazing, a beautiful miracle of science. But even if you can't - I don't care. We can adopt." He kisses Dave's neck softly as it's all he can reach. "And I will never hate you for your decision, I swear. But some way or another we will be happy, we will be okay. We will have a family. Whether they come from your womb-" He rubs their interlocked fingers in a circle on Dave's stomach. "-Or in someone else's, they will still be ours, and loved. Okay?"

"Okay." Dave mumbles, and snuggles into Joel's chest.

Later, when they go up to bed, they fall asleep, fingers still laced together over Dave's tummy.

i think this fic is the longest documented time of dave and joel not insulting each other