Numb

4. Depression, Deep Convos And Baby Steps

Over the next fortnight Dave fell into a heavy depression. He didn't get dressed, brush his hair. When he woke up it was only to move to the sofa, but he either slept for hours or not at all. He brushed his teeth and showered when Joel forced him to. He didn't eat, and when he did it was a junk food binge that often came back up. Dave just sat and stared into nothingness, or played stupid games on his phone. Often though, he just stared into the black screen and hated the murderer who stared back at him.

Joel became insanely worried - as any boyfriend would - and ended up asking Felix to try talking to him, as Joel couldn't get a peep out of him.

Felix's heart breaks as he sees the man before him. Dave's hair is matted and tangled, eyes sinking into his face, eyebags so dark it seems he hasn't slept in days. He's thin, and looks so hurt and defeated when their eyes meet.

"Did Marzia talk to you?" Daves voice sounds strained and rough, after weeks of rest. Felix nods, surprised that the long haired man spoke first, as Joel made him out to be mute. "I regret it Felix. I should've listened. I'm a murderer, killing mine and Joel's child..."

"Shh. It's okay. You're not a murderer - you panicked. I should've talked to you more. Im sorry. But Dave, this isn't going to help. You need to talk to Joel." Dave makes a quiet noise of distress, so Felix squats down beside him and takes his hand. "Hey, hey, listen. You want children? You want a family with Joel?" He says desperately.

"Yes, absolutely." Dave sounds defeated and empty.

"Then there's a few things you need to do. First you need to mourn and heal. Then you need to tell Joel - it takes two to make a baby y'know!" He tries to joke, but Dave just looks scared. "You don't need to tell him about that day if you don't want to, but I think Joel would like to know, and he'd be understanding. He's really worried - god, I'm shit at this stuff - and uh, if you're worried about him not wanting children? Don't tell him I told you but he's been considering talking to you about that for months now."

"I- come up here." Dave pulls Felix up onto the sofa to hug him. "I'm scared he'll be mad at me for having the- y'know. And I'm scared I won't be able to get pregnant again, or I'll be a bad dad. Mom?"

"Ah Dave - he might be a little upset for a while but he loves you and wants you to be happy - now -"

"No, he's gonna be angry at me for not telling him and that I didn't do what he wanted!" Dave interrupts, scared and looking like he's going to be hit.

"Hey, hey, hey. No. no, he won't. And if he is call me and I'll take you somewhere safe. Dave-" Felix sighs. "Dave is Joel hurting you?"

"What? No! Joel's amazing he-"

"Dave, I need you to tell me the truth. Why do you always look like someones going to hit you? I'm worried."

"I- when I was 25 I had a bad relationship with a man, then again when I was 28. Joel's my first since then. It's just, I was better and then it got worse when this depressive episode started. It's not Joel, it's all in the past now." Dave smiles, a coping mechanism Felix came to expect. "Joel already knows about that."

"Ok. Thank you for telling me. Now- you said you're scared you won't be able to get pregnant? There's some things with you right now that'd reduce your chances." Felix explains a load about diets, mindsets, wellbeing and exercise.

"How'd you know all this stuff?" Dave asks shyly after thanking him, and writing it in his phone notes.

"I did my research for Marzia." This becomes a conversation about Marzia, and then Joel.

"I don't know - I've not spoken to him in days." Dave frowns.

"Weeks actually. God Dave - when was the last time you hugged him?"

"Like a month ago? Oh god I- I'm a terrible boyfriend."

"Well, I'm going to have to go back to the wifey. You should talk to Joel, hug him a bit. He misses you, okay? Baby steps. And if you need to talk you have mine and Marzia's numbers. Alright?" Felix hugs him.

"Alright." They say their goodbyes and Felix gets in his car and immediately calls Marzia.

"How is he?"

"Worse than we thought."

Dave hears Felix's car pull away, and he sighs.

"Baby steps." he whispers to himself, and moves to the kitchen. "Joel." he shouts, and it's almost funny how fast the Swedish boy rushes down the stairs, except his face is etched with concern and fear.

"I- you- I- are you okay?" His words jumble.

"I- I'm sorry." Dave whispers and opens his arms. Joel's face is filled with surprise, and he trips over himself with how fast he goes to embrace Dave. he lets Dave's head fall onto his shoulder and they rock together quietly, swaying, enjoying each other's touch which they'd been deprived of for so long.

"I- I've missed you." Joel whispers shakily.

"Oh, oh no Joel, don't cry." Dave straightens up and wipes his tears carefully, then hesitantly presses their lips together. Joel just cries harder.

"Goddamn it, you're making me cry." Dave- who isn't usually a crier - sniffles. Joel lets out a watery laugh and just holds onto his boyfriend like he's the only thing holding him down. They rock together, mumbling to each other, trying to control their tears and occasionally giggling.

They fall asleep on the sofa, still holding onto each other.