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11. Origin Story

TRIGGER WARNING SELF HARM IF THIS TRIGGERS YOU STOP READING

ALSO HOSPITALISATION.

The next day Dave's brain is eating him alive. Not only is he stuck on the floor ill, but he is now wondering if he shouldn't be mad,as it may be a sign there's a life growing inside him. The child he's been waiting for, Joel's and his perfect family's beginnings.

He stays inside his confused but happy baby bubble, poking his stomach, giggling and online shopping for nursery things. then the other thoughts come in.

'You can't be pregnant, you lost that privilege when you killed your baby.'

'You don't even know if you're pregnant, why are you acting like you do?'

'What if you're not pregnant and Joel will get mad at you for getting his hopes up?'

'What if you can't get pregnant again?'

'You are worthless, a faggot, a freak.'

'Joel doesn't love you, he just uses you for sex and children.'

'Joel will leave you if you're not pregnant.'

The thoughts play intrusively loud in Dave's head. After about four hours he gives in. Wrapping himself up - still unwell- he goes to his chemist and buys a test.

He stares at it for an hour, not wanting to break his promise to Joel but desperate to know. Eventually he gives in and takes it.

Five minutes later he's staring yet again at a negative test. This time there's no panic attack, no dramatic reaction. Just a soul-crushing heartbreaking emptiness.

Dave feels numb.

He falls back down into the nest he's made on the floor, pulling the duvet over him. All of the joy he'd felt just a few hours ago has instantly evaporated. He's sure his face is blank but inside he's crumbling, breaking apart piece by piece.

His negative thoughts return, louder and more harsh than ever. They become too much for him and Dave starts to rummage through the medicine cabinet. His phone buzzes but he doesn't even notice. He sees the replacement blade for his and Joel's razors and considers, before pushing the thought away.

'No. You promised Joel.'

(creds to @DaisyClaw for the idea, check out her fic 'Help Me'!!)

About four years ago, when he'd recently got out of his second abusive relationship something happened. His parents went on holiday, leaving him alone in the house for two weeks. He made Hannah take Quistis, not trusting himself to look after her, but not wanting to ruin his parents' break.

"Dave," Hannah asked. "If you can't look after your cat, how on earth will you be able to look after yourself?" he could hear the concern in her voice.

"Don't worry! I'll be in touch with you, and friends, I'll be fine!" He said, overly cheery.

"Okay..." She said, but she didn't believe him.

The first day he was fine.

The second day was harder and he only managed basic everyday things.

Day three he could only just get out of bed, only to get food and go back.

Day four was where it all went wrong.

Since he was freshly out of a toxic relationship his self-worth was highly highly messed up. He almost craved the pain, partly as a distraction from the mental pain, and partly because he felt he deserved it.