Dear BTS
Like before, I don't know what I'm doing. And honestly, these so-called letters are becoming letters to whom it may concern.
I never feel as though I'm allowed to do, for lack of better words, extracurricular activities. I don't mean the three-letter word that involves hormones and physical activity. No, I mean doing things that are done for fun(excluding video games), such as music and sports. My family used to do jiujitsu when we were younger, however, that was only because my mother found places and ways to do it for free. I'm still not completely sure how she did that.
When I was younger I wanted to sing and dance and do gymnastics. I wanted to play all the instruments in the world and perform for all the people in the world. I also wanted to model. As a child I had very pretty dresses that my mother would dress me up in and she'd take pictures to send to family. These weren't pictures of me playing in the garden with dirt on my face. The way she did it, I sat in front of a makeshift backdrop and posed for her. One of these pictures actually features my cat sitting next to me like he belongs there.
As I grew older I chose choir and theater classes for fun electives, unless I was in those classes I never felt like I was allowed to sing, to dance, to play pretend. I was in approximately six concerts, none of which did I perform a solo; I never performed in a single play, mostly due to only being in one class in a school that didn't care.
I wanted to study fashion and fashion trends. I wanted to study music, I wanted to make music. I wanted to be a writer, poetry, plays, novels, I once wanted to write a ballad. Nothing grew of that ambition, like the rest of them. And my one dream that I still have from what I believed to be a never-ending delusion, I want to be a model. I don't have the figure and I don't have the height. And I definitely seem to be in the wrong country.
America has never made me feel that Asian beauty is respected. As I grow into adulthood, I feel like an object, a trophy for some kind of kink. I don't see famous models that look like me. I feel like all sorts of beauty have been empowered except mine.
I know I'm completely biased because I can only see it from my own perspective as an Asian girl with little to no Asian role models that don't aren't my mom. I love my mom but she's not even going into the academic field I settled on.
I don't know what this is.
Thank you for reading
nSEp
