Backtoliving

Chapter 10 : Open heart talk

POV Cammie

The end of the week went really fast with lot of visits and hiking. Yesterday I dropped Kara at the airport. After the party, I thought a lot about us and Shannon and my current life. I didn't talk to her about it but she felt something was bothering me and the rest of the week was weird. I went to run every morning with Shannon, once we even get up early to watch the sunrise. It was so beautiful. We took a lot of pictures of this beautiful phenomenon, and some selfies together. I know it is not completely right but I mean, Shannon is my friend now so it should be.... Doesn't it? When I left Kara at the airport, I just gave her a small kiss goodbye, nothing big. What is happening? I spend all night thinking about it. And now it is time for my run with Shannon.

- Hey Cam, are you okay?

- Hey... I... Yeah, just let's go run.

After about ten minutes, she stops running and she starts staring at me.

- Cam, stop. I know you, so what's wrong?

- You know I can ask you the same?

- Yeah but I asked you first.

We laugh nervously. Without warning she grabs my hand and look at me intensely, eyes to eyes.

- Cam, I'm maybe not the best person to talk to, but I care about you, and I know something's wrong. I won't pretend to be indifferent because I'm not. You're maybe a master of hiding your feelings but I am a master of Cammie Scott so don't pretend to feel good with me. What is bothering you?

- I...

I collapse into her arms and start to cry. I don't know what is happening, all the stress, the questions, the short nights of last few days is relieved into tears now. I need to stop but I can't. Shannon brings me closer to her, hugging me tight. I hug her back. After few minutes, I start to breath normally again.

- Sorry, I don't know why I...

- You needed it. Don't be sorry

- I can't sleep well these days... I have a lot of things in my head and I don't know how to handle it.

- I know how you feel

She seems quite sad. I noticed that she have been quiet last few days but I didn't want to bother her. Her gaze is like a storm of emotions I try to understand.

- Shannon, can I ask you something?

- Of course

- How was it for you when we broke up? I mean...

I can't ask her the question I want. When did she realize she wasn't in love with me? I want to understand how she proceeds; maybe it can help me to have a proper closure.

- woo.. er...

- You don't have to answer I am sorry, it is displaced.

- No no, it is just... strange I guess to talk to you about it. I was heartbroken, completely devastated and angry against you for a long time I guess. The anger helped to fight against the sadness, just rejecting the fault on you even if it wasn't fair. I was miserable. Jess helped me a lot. I had to learn to leave without you in a world where you were everything. I enjoyed going in non-vegan restaurants because it wouldn't bring back some memories of you. It was like a joke. I had some affairs, didn't went well. I wanted to text you all the time, to call you... At some point my mom came to my flat and we made a box with all our memories. It was a big step, it helped me realized that you were out of my life and I needed to build my own path. I met Carry some time after...

When she mentions Carry, her voice crack. She takes a big breath and continues

- It is weird to spend time with you after all this time. 4 years have passed but I feel we never really had a proper closure. We just disappear in each other life. I don't know if it makes sense for you.

- It completely does.

- What about you?

- I think I was more in denial. I mean, Kara happened really fast and it was easy just to be with her. I kinda erased you from my head and all the sadness for few months, just living my life in a perfectly normal way. I had a breakdown after few months dating Kara but she helped me with it, I started to share memories with her and talk about you again. And I continue to watch your videos and your work in a general way. I am really proud of what you accomplished.

I give her a genuine smile. My feelings are all melted in my head and I am completely lost but talking to her is good.

POV Shannon

It is insane and weird talking to Cammie. I guess she never really had closure either and this is what we are trying to do right now. I feel lost and empty, I know I have to talk now or I will never be able to do it again. But I can't. I don't want to lose her again. I feel she also want to talk but something is holding her back.

- Cam, I have to tell you something...

- You seem more serious than I ever saw you in my life. What is it Shan?

- I want us to spend more time together, a lot is going on for me and I need to figure out my life. I need you to do it.

Ok, this is not exactly what I wanted to say. It is a start though. I am stock in my head when I feel her squeezing my hand a bit harder. I forgot we were still holding hands. It feels natural, nothing is wrong with it.

- Shan... I...

- I'm sorry if it sounds wrong it is just that... I mean I understand if you don't... I just... God...

- I think I need this too. I want to spend more time with you. The reason I feel so bad those days...

My heart is beating crazily fast. She stops to talk and start to shiver. I get up on my feet, her hands still in mines.

- Come on, if we have to hangout more in the future, you don't have to tell me everything right now. Just we can finish this run and race till the villa. I warn you, be prepared to be defeated!

She laughs and it is the best sound on earth. I mean, at this moment it feel like it. I mean, yeah, Cam's laugh is definitely the best sound on earth. No doubt about it. I smile and try to run as fast as possible. Did I ever win a challenge? No? Today is a new day, I beat Cammie by half a second at running!