Backtoliving

Chapter 16 : We both have a choice to make

POV Shannon

I am in the flight. Cammie is two rows beside me, with Amy and her girlfriend. I want to talk with her but I need to keep my distances. I try to focus on me. I don't know if Fletcher is in New York or if she came in LA as she was supposed to. I don't know if I have the strength to confront her. I will need to, she doesn't deserve to be ghosted. She deserves the truth, and someone who will love her completely. I wish I was this person. The song wasted youth starts in my earphone. I can't help but start to cry. What the hell did I do? I look into my bag if I have anything I could use for distraction. I find something... really not helpful. I am not sure what I should do with that. I don't even know after all this time why I still have it in my bag. It is a small bracelet which is supposed to bring joy and happiness. A lucky charm. A gift Cammie made me when we started to date.

- God you still have it?

- Hey Cam, how'r you doing?

- I felt boring and thought I could join you and speak.

- You're more than welcome, I'm dying of boredom!

The guy next to me offers to switch his spot with Cammie. She accepts gladly.

- What are you plans back to LA?

- I will edit some videos and pictures I took during the trip, and start to work again I guess... you?

- Same, and we had some ideas with Amy for future videos; I hope it will be appreciate!

- Is it a secret or am I allowed to know about your ideas?

- Definitely a secret...

- Will you be drinking beers?

- It is highly probable...

She laughs and it makes me happy for a second. We continue to have a casual talk. For a moment, it feels that nothing is weird. But then I see the change in her green eyes. She wants to talk. I mean, she wants to talk about serious business...and I'm not ready. I spent all my courage during this trip and now all I want is hiding in a cave and never having to face my feelings again. It would be nice...

- Shan, you know I'm not the best to talk about my feelings... but I meant why I told you. I love you, and I heard everything you said. I need time to process and figure what I wanna do. I need to figure out what I want. I feel frustrated and a bit angry, but I know it is not your fault, and it isn't mine. And also I may have act if I was the only one who had a choice to make but you have to, and I don't take you as granted. Please think about your life with Cary and if you really want to end it. I won't blame you if you want to stay with her. I am glad you have been honest because it is such a rare thing in the world. We both have a choice to make. All I want for you is to be happy, and I don't know yet if it will be with me or another woman, but whatever happens, I will always want your happiness.

She stops talking and I can breathe again. I take her hand in mine and she doesn't push me away. I have nothing to answer, I just need to process. I don't know when I felt asleep but the voice of a lady telling that we will arrive in ten minutes just woke me up. Cammie is still asleep. Her head is on my shoulder and her hand is still in mine. I feel quite guilty about being in this position. We both have a choice to make. Few days ago I thought my decision was final and she was the one having to choose between me and Kara. I realize I still can choose to pursue my life with Cary...expect I can't. I don't have a choice to make. I did without realizing when I refused Carry's proposal. I made the choice trying to get back with the one I picture as my future wife.

I wake Cammie up. She has such a funny head right now. Her makeup is quite messy, like her hair. I take a picture and show her.

- Such a beautiful women!

- shut up... God, I look terrible I need to fix that

- Come on, you're still gorgeous... and a bit funny.

I continue to make fun of her which ends in both of us laughing. It is time to come home. Back to reality... with lot of expectations and hope.

POV Cammie

The plane just opened its gates. I stand up and let go Shannon's hand in the process. It could be the last time I'm this close to her. I am not ready to let her go but I have to. I feel so guilty and full of shame about my actions. Certain people could tell that I had not cheat on Kara but I know it is wrong. I declared my love for another girl, kissed he, hold her hand multiple time... and it felt good. I have to be completely honest with Kara and find the strength to open completely to her. I still have a choice to make, fight for Kara when she'll know the truth or let her go and find my way with Shannon. Does a manual exist to help in such a situation? I would love to buy it if it does!

I am trying to find my luggage when I feel some warm arms around my cheast.

- Babe!!!!!!!!

Kara kisses me with passion and I kiss her back. I missed that to. She is such a sweet and cute girl. I smile and forget everything for a second. She looks stunning.

- You look amazing

- I'd like to say the same about you but...

- Hey!

- You're beautiful... even with this messy hair and makeup

I laugh. Few meters ago, I see Shannon carry her bags. She is alone and seems far in her thoughts. I want to tell her goodbye but...well...you know... So I say it with my eyes. As if she felt it, she turns away and looks at me deeply.

Bye Shannon. I'm gonna miss you...

POV Shannon

I look deeply in Cammie's eyes. Kara is with her. I wish I could have tell her goodbye properly. I say it with my eyes

Bye Cambam, I love you. I'm gonna miss you like hell... Please choose me.