Backtoliving

Chapter 8 : Deep thoughts

POV Cammie

I can't sleep. Kara is asleep next to me, she seems so peaceful. I am not. I mean, this party wasn't anything special compared to others. We drunk a lot, revealed some embarrassing secrets, did some stupid stuff. Nothing big happened, nothing unusual. But here I am, at 4 am, still awake. I need some fresh air. I take my shoes and as quietly as possible I leave the bedroom, go downstairs and leave the house for a night walk on the beach.

Few hours ago, we were all laughing at Shannon swimming naked in the sea because she lost one stupid game I can't even remember. And now I feel quite empty. Why?

'night Cam. Love you.

My thoughts bring me about 8 years ago, when I started to speak with this girl.

I think I might like you a little bit... I think I might like you a lot

Our first kiss bringing a second one. A second kiss resulting in a relationship. A relationship evolving with living together. Living together meaning ending everyday earing her telling me 'night Cam, love you'. It was perfect with all its imperfections. We were young, in love, building our life together. I pictured her becoming my wife, growing old, having kids and two dogs. But our love wasn't enough... why? I met Kara really soon after the breakup. She metamorphosed my life in an unexpected way. She wasn't a new Shannon neither a replacement girlfriend. She obviously wasn't. She still isn't. What we have is real, I felt for her at the minute I met her. I mean, look at her. She is so cute, and adorable. She is one of the nicest person I ever met, and funny, and everything you can look for.

I completely cut out Shannon of my life last few years. I didn't see her, except some rare occasions, we didn't speak or hangout. We didn't really had any closure. And maybe it feels late now to do it but I really need to think about it. We broke up in love but this love wasn't enough to make each other happy. We were too much together, all the time, not having our own safe space to be alone. Love is not something which appears or disappears instantaneously, it takes time. You can't say I felt in love at this moment. You fall in love by spending time with this person, enjoying her company, discovering her and at some point you are just in love and can't remember when it starts.

The question which bothers me is when did I stop loving her? It is a long process, proper to everyone. But now I have doubts. Did I ever stop loving her? And is it ok to still have feelings for her? Why do I think about it now? Tonight bring a lot of memories in my head, but I started to think about it before. The first morning when we ran together...this is the moment when I started to think about our previous life together. I don't think it was consciously but more like the way it felt so normal being alone with her, running in a paradisiac place, watching her discreetly and admiring her perfect body, catching her gaze sometime, smiling, feeling happy... It felt normal. I felt good.

Tonight, I couldn't help but watching her a lot. Same as I do with Kara. Every vision of her or my girlfriend doing anything cute or funny would bring a cheesy smile on my face. It is not right. I am in love with Kara and it is not right to look at Shannon this way. I take my phone to go on internet and watch old pictures of us. I sometime regret that our relationship was so open on internet. Every day I have some notifications because of fan art about us : drawing, fanfictions, videos.... Are you guys ever gonna get back together? I can't escape it. Even if I almost didn't saw Shannon for years, everyday something on internet would remind me of her. I usually hate it, but not today. Today thank to internet, I can watch some memories I deleted of my phone. I watch our first video together, and then another one. It seemed so simple at the time, being in a relationship with the women I loved. love...loved...love.