Procrastinators on Stage (Chris Kendall/crabstickz fanfic) *unedited*

Part 37- I Don't Like This Panic

Have you ever felt so entirely judged and targeted by disapproval that you've wanted to retreat to the nearest corner and just curl up there like a hedgehog to shield yourself from the world? Like you felt so utterly out of place in sensing the disgust of your peers before you'd even had a toe through the door? Because that was the sense I got from people when I entered the theatre seating to listen to Tony, Dexter, and Mary-Anne talk about what was going on today.

The audience section of the theatre looked so threatening now. The seating seemed to jut from the floor, as if each seat were carved from jagged rocks which would pinch and scrape against me if I dared to sit on them, whilst the other girls looked like they were reclining on thrones. Each and every one of the Elphaba and Glinda girls (of which there were seven in total, excluding myself) appeared to have a spotlight on them with the rest of the area cut into darkness. I felt like I was intruding, in a way, in how I was morphing from the shadows to enter this circle of light.

A shiver trickled down my spine as a few of the girls turned to look right through me as soon as the door squeaked. I marched forward to claim the nearest seat in my feeble attempt to just melt in with the group. I was one of them, after all. I had every right to be there. And yet, I felt like I didn't have a spotlight in the right sense. My spotlight was a way for the other girls to scrutinise me.

It wasn't like I was late or anything. Liss had had to practically drag me from the stage only minutes ago - where we'd been practicing religiously for the past hour and a half - after Janice had told us that the other girls were here. It had just taken me a little while to check my makeup in the bathroom, grab my old registration number of number four from Janice so that I could be identified, and then re-enter the seating area.

I sat tall and proud in my seat in my attempt to emit a confident air. I was fine. I could do this...right?

"As I was saying..." Tony said, stressing each letter as he looked to me from his position on stage with the other two judicators, "each girl will need to perform one of their monologues first, and then after a small break you'll each need to perform one of your pre-prepared songs. Later, after your lunch hour, you'll all have to learn and replicate a dance from within the show. Any questions?"

The only question that was asked was about when we'd be finishing. According to Tony's disgruntled expression and Dexter's look of sympathy, this had already been covered. Nonetheless, we were informed about our long day ahead and how it would finish at around 3pm.

And with that, Tony, Dexter, and Mary-Anne dispersed from the stage and took their seats behind all of the other girls in the audience. Simply knowing that the three of them were seated behind me and could see not only the full stage, but also my every move in the audience, made me shiver and made sweat accumulate on my skin. The only thing which could possibly be worse than having them sit there was how all of the other girls would see me perform and size me up with every note I sang or every syllable I uttered.

I felt so out of place and disgruntled that the world seemed to fly around me. I found myself fighting with my own mind in deciding whether I should listen to the other girls' performances or read my book and not allow myself to get distracted. I remembered asking Carrie as much on our journey to the theatre, and she'd recommended that I read my book. My only worry was that I'd get so absorbed by my book that I'd end up missing my time slot to sing or I'd be distracted by the storyline of my book as I sang and I'd mess up...again.

I hardly knew what to do with myself. I fidgeted, tugged at my earlobe, twisted my thumb ring, swapped which leg I had crossed over the other, sang my song in my head and ran through my monologue for later, mentally checked the belongings in my bag, and generally had a mini-meltdown. All the while I heard the other girls singing flawlessly, their voices loud and clear as they should be, and that scared me.