I knew it was a mistake. I knew I shouldn't. But what can I do when she's the one my heart wants?
The first time I saw her was during 2017 Seoul Music Awards. It was my first time to attend an award show since debut. Me and the rest of the members were already seated as we were the first few to arrive early. I was just looking around, being mesmerised of how huge the venue was, of how many fans were there supporting their idols and how loud it was with the cheering of the fans.
While I was looking around, from the corner of the stage, there she was, walking with her members proudly. The way she walked with her head held up high, how she oozes with confidence made me look at her all the way till she reached her seat. Of course, I wasn't the only one looking at her. From the corner of my eye, I could see EXO sunbaemins, especially Kai sunbaemin, were looking at her in awe. I mean who wouldn't? The way she walk was so mesmerising to say the least. She's a rookie same as I was but her presence alone is just something indescribable. Yes, Jennie Kim has this untouchable aura and maybe that was the reason that made me fell for her.
Since then every time they has a comeback or whenever they release something, I always look forward to seeing her. It wasn't because I was in love with her or something. I admire and look up to her, well that was I always tell myself. She was younger than me and obviously shorter and smaller but the amount of charisma, confidence that she emits is something I cannot comprehend. But i knew being in the both SM and YG means that there will be little to no interactions between us. Sure, we have met and bowed to each other while walking in the hallways of music shows but that was it.
Thus, I remember vividly how surprised I was when I saw articles of "Kai of EXO and Jennie of Blackpink confirmed dating".
"Wow daebak! I didn't know Kai hyung was with Jennie of Blackpink." I heard Taeyong exclaimed upon seeing the news article.
"I know right. I mean she's from YG and he's from SM. Totally unexpected." Jaehyun chimed in.
However, at that moment I just kept quiet. I wasn't sure whether I was jealous or just envious. But then again, who was I to feel this way? She doesn't know who I was and of course, it's the Kai from the EXO. Starting then I knew I had to keep my "admiration" of her at bay to prevent any unnecessary trouble that it might bring. After the news, I have seen her in SM a few times, maybe to meet Kai hyung or Irene noona, who knows? Every time I see her, I would walk the other way if I was still far, or would act as if I was on a call and didn't see her so that I wouldn't have to meet her eye. It was totally pointless as she doesn't even know me except for the fact I'm in NCT but it sure matters to me.
One day, after my NCT's Night Night radio schedule, I decided to drop by the company to practice for our incoming comeback. While walking past the garden rooftop, I heard things I shouldn't have.
"So you're telling me even after all these years, she still have a part of your heart?" Jennie said softly.
"Jen, i'm sorry. I thought I was ready to move on. I thought I love you enough to give you that space in my heart that she occupied. But maybe, if you give me more time..we could.." I heard Kai hyung said before he was cut off.
"..No, Jongin. I don't think I can do that. We were together for nearly a year and I tried so hard to fight for that little space in your heart but its still not enough. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't think I have the strength for it anymore. Let's just end it here." At this point, Jennie was already sobbing uncontrollably.
"Jennie...please. We can work this out."
"No. We would have worked it out if we could. Please Jongin...don't make it hard for me already. You know I love you but I cannot do this anymore. Please, just leave me alone..please."
I watched as Kai hyung sighed and reluctantly walked away.
I know I shouldn't have stayed and listened to everything. I know I should leave too as soon as Kai hyung left but to leave her alone there, after I heard how she painfully sobbed, I felt bad. And so I just stood and looked at her from a distance. After I know she had stopped crying, I mustered up courage, walked up to her and sat at the bench next to hers.
"The view is breathtaking here. I know because I always come here." I said and turned to see her startled face.
"I'm sorry to startle you though. I didn't mean to. I'm Johnny from NCT, in case you don't know." I said as I held my arm out to shake hands.
"I'm easily surprised by anything so it's okay. Anyway hello, I'm Jennie from Blackpink. And of course I know who you are." Jennie said while shaking my hands.
Since then, we became friends. I told her everything. I told her how I admired her, to which she chuckled and slapped my arm as thought I was joking. I told her how I was surprised by her dating news and I told her how I overhead the day they broke up. We became close friends and met up often. However, over time, I realised that my admiration for her eventually become love. I like hanging out with her. I like listening to her talk about anything. I like seeing her face but I couldn't bring myself to tell her my true feelings. I didn't want to jeopardise our friendship.
One day when we were hanging out, I saw how quiet she was but I didn't want to probe. I know she would tell me when she wants to so I just waited silently while sipping on my coffee.
"I saw him today. He looked happy." Jennie softly said. I just patted her head as a form of comfort.
"I thought I have already moved on but how could I? I really loved him. Even when he hurt me, I tell myself it's not his fault. It's not his fault that pieces of her still remain in his heart. I know I should hate him, but I can't. Not when he still have my heart."
At this point, Jennie was already bawling her eyes out. Her words pierced to my heart. In the end, he still has her heart and I know I couldn't replace him. However seeing her cry, I embraced her and patted her. After she had calmed down, she detached herself from me and smiled.
"Thank you Johnny. Thank you for being the best friend I could ever ask for. Thank you for listening to me always."
"Best friend...right best friends should always be there for one another. I'm always here for you, wherever, whenever." I smiled bitterly.
Best friends. All we could ever be.
PS: I didn't proof read this so i'm sorry if there's any mistakes in this. Anyway, I'm back after so long. I'll try to update whenever I'm free. Sorry for the long wait!
