Inspirations and Motivations

Freedom

They say that freedom is everything, that we should want to fight for freedom; just like Nelson Mandela fighting for South Africans and Martin Luther King fighting against racism. I want to fight with freedom against my mind and willpower; because every time I struggle against finding the right answer to the right question my mind is always searching for negativity; because every time I go up to present my mind is racing with anxiety; because every time I look at myself in a mirror my mind speeds up with questions, questions that I cannot even answer; questions like, ‘Why can I not be like that?’ ‘Why am I not pretty or good enough?’ ‘Why can I not be the role model everyone wants me to be?’ Is that hard enough?

They tell me to try harder, that I’m smart but that my anxiety is overwhelming me. That I quit without persevering; but how can I win the fight against my own mind when I consistently receive negativity, messages send by my own neurons to tell me the truth of how bad it has really gotten. I am consistently getting in trouble, not because I want to be a troublemaker but because no one understands what I am going through. Last year, I thought that it was as easy as 123 but now I know that it’s as hard as 456. 456 times I have tried to reverse this schematic chaos of my mind, 456 times I have tried to stop my neurons from being any more negative; but I have failed every time I try to reverse it; because you see it’s not as simple as reversing the incident, it’s not as easy to change back to who I was before this anxiety had risen. Every time I get two stairs ahead of where I was before, I would fall back down to staircase #1; It’s because I’m racing with the competitors rather than being patient and taking it one step at a time. I have grown impatient over the years, I have grown negative in my own mind. They tell me to get help, and I’m not getting any; I think that I can handle it no more, but my mind tells me otherwise because my mind would grow weak if my negativity to my own self stops. That is why I am not getting any help; because my reasoning is unrealistic.

You see, today was the day when my nightmare stopped turning into fantasies which turned into reality because today was the day; this morning was the morning of when I finally realised what I was doing wrong. I believe that my name calling and negativity to myself has stopped me from discovering the right answers to the right questions. Instead of focusing on the why, I should really be focusing on the how, ‘How can I be the role model everyone wants me to be?’, ‘How can I help myself achieve my high standards?’ You see these questions are neither demeaning nor degrading and they have the ability of helping me think positively. Today I realised that the only person who can help me is me, because no matter how many people I go to no one will give me the right help that I was looking for; no one but me, that is. I have experienced every challenge my mind has put me to; I have overcome anxieties during tests, I have handed every assignment I had at the right day in the right time. So next time I look at myself in the mirror, I will wonder about the positive things, rather than the negative. I would remind myself that everyone is pretty, that no one is ugly, that everyone is more than good enough; everyone, even me. The next time I go up to present I will remind myself how the last time I presented, everyone clapped for me; and that the worst that can happen this time is having a crowd booing at me but not then would I think negatively because at least I had the courage, the strength to walk up in front of the crowd and say something that I wrote with my heart; and the fact that I was given a negative reaction, only means that I grew stronger and smarter and that the next time I go up to present would be the next time that I remind myself of how strong I was to get up in the first place. They say that everyone has a hard time living for freedom; that is why everyone should fight for their right of speech, for their right to live without pain and cruelty. Everyone has a different definition of Freedom, so what’s your definition?