Dear Harry
I have no idea how people start these things, so here goes nothing. They say time can heal anything, right? Then why do I still feel broken. Why do I still wake up feeling empty inside. It's been five years and I still feel empty. Like there's nothing worth living for.
Do remember when we played that game of truth after the party? When I told you my biggest fear was depression because of my mum? Well, I lied. I mean, it is my biggest fear but not because of that. It scared me because I had been through it and I knew how horrible it was. I was scared it would come to this, Harry. Where it gets to the point where the only way to stop the pain is to take my own life, but it has come to this. This is the only way.
I wanna say sorry. I'm sorry for everything Haz. I'm sorry for kissing Zayn. I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to hold on any longer. I'm sorry. You don't understand what it's like living with psychotic depression. The voices are everywhere, all saying the same thing. They're all saying "this is your fault, Ari." Even when I close my eyes I can't escape them. They haunt my dreams. They are there with me every minute of every day. They're evil. I live in constant fear of things that don't exist, Harry. Do you know how hard that is? No one understands what I go through. No one understands the torture the voices put you through. I'm sorry for not telling you any of this earlier. I'm so sorry, Harry. I made a lot of mistakes and not telling you was probably my worst. I am so sorry Hazza. Just please remember that I love you. I always have and I always will. I don't think you can ever truly understand how much I love you and how grateful I am for having a chance to be with you. You are the reason I lasted so long. Whenever I was around my smile felt genuine. I never had to force it. You made me feel beautiful and when you told me I was, I believed it. For the first time in my life I felt beautiful, so thank you Harry. Thank you so much.
I know this may be hard to do, and trust me I know how hard it can be, but I want you to be happy. I want you to move on, and I know it will be hard too. I want you to fall in love again and have your fairytale happy ending with your fairytale princess, just like you always wanted. There's a very lucky girl out there who's waiting for her Prince Charming. You're her Prince Charming. I wish you could be mine but sometimes life doesn't turn out the way we expected. I learnt that the hard way.
There's this saying, the one that is painted in black cursive above my desk, that when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on, but I'm tired of hanging on Harry. It gets harder and harder every day. I'm so sorry for doing this to you Harry but I just can't hold on any longer. I want you to know that me doing this has nothing to do with you, it was me not being able to take the pain any longer. The voices are driving me insane. It's slowly driving me insane. I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and I cant take it anymore.
A few weeks ago this girl started following me. She was everywhere I went, even in my sleep. She started off just being in my dreams but then one day at school, I saw her. After that she went everywhere with me. She looked a little like me when I was twelve but she sounded different. She was saying all of these things that made so much sense to me that I didn't know. She helped me understand everything. She told me how to make the voices go away. I'm going to do it Harry. I have to. At first, I was scared of the girl but I'm not anymore because I realised, how can you be scared if yourself?
I know you're probably gonna hate me for this and think I'm selfish for doing this. I thought that when mum died. All I ever thought was "How could she do this to me?? How could she leave me??" I know why she did it now, Harry. She did it because she had to. I hope one day you can understand why I had to do this and one day you'll forgive me. I know that it'll hurt, but promise me you'll move on. Don't wait for me to come back because I'm not. I want you to know that I'm not in pain anymore. That everything will be better soon. There's no more pain Harry. I mean I'm scared as hell to do this but I finally get to see mum tonight. I've missed her an awful lot. I'll miss you a lot too but I'll always be watching over you. I'll always be with you in your heart (I know how corny that sounds but it's true Harry. I love you) I'll always be there for you even when you feel so alone. Lastly, don't let this ruin One Direction. You lads are amazing! You've got your whole lives ahead of you, so go out and live them! I dunno, maybe write a song about how awesome I am ;) Harry just know I love you and I always will. I know one day we can be together again but until then I love you so much. Don't ever change. I fucking love you so much Harry. So fucking much it hurts. I love you. I'll miss you. I'm sorry I had to say goodbye this way but I knew if I came and saw you, you wouldn't let me do it but I have to do it. Don't ever blame yourself for this either!! Goodbye Harry, I'll never forget you.
~Ari <3 xx
