MY HOLLY SIN

May I look at you without getting overwhelmed ?

Tonight I stumbled upon your pic, I choked on my breath, my heart skipped a beat, i couldn't avert my eyes from all the glory I was looking at for a whole ... minute.. hour... ten ... no idea... I lost track of time... I drunk every little details, consumed every little sign.
I payed attention to your bracelet, u know the one we both have, I tried to destroy it by the way, dumb me thought that simple little thing had my salvation, little did I know, that act just made me more attached to the little messed up thing, maybe it reminded me of the me I am with you, damaged yet almost perfect.
I saw your instruments, they reminded me of how much I idolized your taste, in every single thing related to them, music, shape of boxes, their texture, their color, even how you put them all but one on one side..
I saw your favorite one on the other side too, standing there in all its glory, yet it seemed so vulnerable around you, exactly how I am, seemed so shy without your magical fingers on, maybe it needs them just like I do, or perhaps, a tiny bit more.
I see the painting behind you, so simple yet so meaningful, so small yet so touching, from the way it's hanged to the colors the painter has chosen, to the asymmetrical beauty of the frame.
I see your jacket hanged on the chair you're sitting on, and I remember that you never get out of your room not fully dressed, and how you only feel good if you're... Bien tiré, bien habillé ...
But all that is nothing compared to you, you are the pulsing heart of the picture, the cure for my eyes and the poison to my soul, I'm rotted a little bit more because of it, but I don't mind, I never did.
You gained weight and your skin is exactly one shade lighter, maybe because you're not going out as much lately, or maybe it's just the lighting, or maybe, just maybe, my mind tries to make me feel better by showing me changes that doesn't exist, maybe I'm going insane, after all, what's my brain's use if not to go off, for you, merely for you, always for you, only for you.
Your hair is longer than the usual, my usual, the length I felt every time my fingers touched your skull, oh and how I got overwhelmed by the feeling I got. People are wrong when they think it feels good when someone touches your hair, I felt better touching yours, way better, and I miss that, like hell.
You're pressing your lips together but not quit biting them, and I'd like to believe that you're saving that exact act for me ...
Your shirt, that shirt, I can have your scent running through my nostrils, playing with my insides just looking at that shirt. You're encrypted in the memory of every cell I got. It reminded me of a night we spent together, just hugging, just barely existing but completely surviving, a night where I could not handle tearing you appart from between my arms, but you could, and you did, like you always do. I can still feel the back of ur head on my chest, my nose touching your earlobe, one of my hands playing with the buttons of this exact same shirt and the other just covering one of yours, as a form of protection, not for you, no, for my heart, your touch convinced me that you were real, that we were real, that I wasn't just delusional, once again..
And then there's your beard, that same beard that tickles the side of my face when i hug you, when I put my head on your shoulder, that same beard that feels itchy to me, to my lips when I'm kissing you, but only at first, because once your lips land on mine, I forget all sense of logic, and I cease to exist in this world as I get reborn in a parallel dimension.
U know there's also the veins in your hands and arms, but I refuse to talk about them, I'm dreamy enough just looking at them..
I saved the best thing in the picture, my favorite thing in life, for last, and yes you guessed it, I'm talking about your eyes, goddamn those killer soulless eyes, they should be forbidden, they should stop them from showing themselves, from shining so bright yet so dark, from violating the person looking into them, from staring into the bare soul of anyone who dares to stop by them, from making you crumble into a million peaces and rebuilt again if you just stare long enough. You know when I read Nietzsche's words: "if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee." I was almost certain he met your eyes, on an other version of you, maybe he met your very same soul in an other body, who definitely had the same eyes. Those eyes that no matter how much I describe, I could never give enough credit, so I will let them be, stop writing about them and go look into a much static version of them, for now...

Here's the first chapter, it came out longer than I anticipated, but I couldn't stop myself. I hope I can write the second one by next week. It will definitely motivate me if you can vote, comment and maybe.. just maybe follow me 🙏.