When Harry met Z

UNATTAINABLE

Good. Grim had the decency to edit out my reaction. The images of my racing heartbeat when he showed me that photo of Z wearing a leather jacket were edited out . 

I do hope no one checks the timecode on the screen and see that the worse part was taken out. I hope no one realises that my heartbeat actually went to the top when I was shown that photo of Z. 

My. God. I swear to god, I must thank the editors. 

WHY ON EARTH my friends betray me like this. Why did they tell Grim to show me that photo during the interview? Don't they know that is like killing me?

I am pathetic. I am slowly becoming a pathetic loser that can't hide is in love with someone unattainable.

Wait. Unattainable did I say? UNATTAINABLE?

If only one day I could feel at ease with all this. Maybe I won't. Maybe only my close friends - the ones who I asked to sign an NDA - will ever know the truth. 

So much time has passed. I should be fine by now. But, the heart never lies, so they say, and it's true, it doesn't. 

Why do I try to grasp every little bit of dust that remains from that story? He taught me how to love, but also how to hate. Only now I realise what we had was something unique; for five years we spent day and night and months and months together, working, having fun and growing up. Discovering ourselves, understanding who we are inside...

I wish I could close that chapter forever. But why would I? It is a fountain that continues to nourish me, all the love songs, all of them come from that first love we shared, from that time we spent together. Even when he wants to break away from me, it still inspires me to write the most beautiful songs I have ever imagined would come out from me.

Do you have the same fear, Z? You know one thing? I should hate you. 

I should hate you, hate your lack of courage. Your heart and head and body and mind are not in the same place. Divided, you float around. Have you seen yourself recently? Eyes void. Ever since you left me your smile is not the same, and your eyes have stopped shining like they used to. You stupid fool.

I went for a walk again, alone as usual, it's Valentine's Day. TMZ and all those other media outlets keep saying that I am partying in the Bahamas with some chick. If only they knew. If only they knew that year after year I spend V day alone, thinking about one thing, and one thing only. 

This year, it's the worse year. I feel so sad, so worn out. I have finished an album, it's coming out soon. It's filled with you. Your imagery. 

But today, it is as if the stars aligned to make me feel worse than usual. You know what happened? You won't believe it . I was robbed! 

That day I spent it thinking about you. My real love, yet unattainable. You are there, you were there, and then you are no longer there. 

Life gave me you, and then something took you away from me. 

Ever since I got robbed of you my heart has never been the same.

I could be celebrating V day (not that I care that much, but, yes, okay, I do care) with someone this year, last year, and all the years since I met you. But, no. I could have fallen in love with someone attainable. But no. Here I am alone walking down the road with my music on, and you know what?

Three or four guys approached me, they had no clue of who I was. I was wearing my hoody. And I tried to not say much. They wanted money, I tried to give them some, but they also wanted my phone. I gave them my phone.

"Give us the password, big guy", said one of my attackers. "What is it?"

I trembled. WTF, they want my password for what? 

"I can't give it to you" I mumbled, trying not to give away with my accent that I was a foreigner.

"Come'on, don't waste our time", the same guy continued.

I looked at the road near me, the green light, and the stores that were a bit far away. 

I cannot give them the password and let them find out all my secrets. All of our secrets. 

Where are you Z when I need you? 

Suddenly a car passed by next to us, I threw the phone to the floor and ran to the car making signs so it'd stop. 

The car didn't stop, but I managed to escape from them. The lights blinked on my side of the road, I started running towards my villa. 

Why was I robbed on Valentine's day? Is it a metaphor of our love? Geeeeeee, cheesy Harry, I can hear your voice saying.

I got home, locked all the doors, and went to sleep, my heart beating fast.

Z, you awake my deepest fears, my deepest desires I had no idea existed. I never thought I would cling on anyone. I, Harry, the forever joyful, free spirited, Harry the man of the world. What do I have to fear? You. You. Only you. Unattainable you.