consilium

20/06/2020 - 2:20am

You're going to wonder if this one is about you.

It is.

Do you remember that night, I thought the world was falling apart? When I almost had a panic attack in front of you because I thought I messed up so badly and that I ruined our lives? I was terrified. I wasn't ready for what we feared was the outcome. What I feared.

I made a playlist, and I fell asleep in your arms listening to the music that saved me when I was sixteen. You know what night I'm talking about now, don't you? That night always sticks out in my mind because when I think back, that night reminds me that you did care. What happened?

We were young, naive when we met. I thought you would be the man I would marry. I truthfully did. I never wanted anything else. Just you.

You told me that you too had your doubts.  It's human, right? To doubt the one thing in your life that you think you know better than anything. Everything happened so fast. You wanted an answer, I wanted time. You wanted to know, I wanted space. I never thought that it would happen. I never thought that I could be anything without you. I think that was the problem.

We both had our flaws, our faults. Some more prominent than others. My biggest flaw? I was nothing without you. All I had was the shell of the person I was developing when I was in work, and you wanted me to leave that. To leave the place where I was finally starting to find myself. I couldn't do it. Sure, it sounded like a great idea at first but it made me happy. It made me feel like I could do something without you. I needed you so badly to survive, that I had to know that I was okay on my own.

I never wanted it to happen the way it did. I doubted how much you cared, I really did. I never thought that loosing half of me would hurt as badly as it did, but that's what happens when you pull away your life support. You have to learn how to breathe on your own.

I'm learning, slowly. I can breathe without you. Sometimes you just need to jump into the deep end and pray that if you don't swim, you'll at least float.

For now, I'll float. Maybe one day, I'll learn how to swim.