consilium

20/06/2020 - 10:16pm

Some days are better than others.

Some days, I wake up and you're the first thought in my mind. How have you been? Did you sleep okay? Did she stay with you last night? I miss waking up to what we used to have. Walking up to the tight hold of your arms, as I struggled to escape from your grasp so I could at least try to breathe. You always told me my body ran as hot as a human torch, yet your grasp never loosened.

Some days, I wake up and the very simple thought of your existence sends flames running through my body. How could you do that to me? Neither of us were ready for what we had found in each other. But, sometimes the best things are found at the strangest of times.

Slowly, I'm coming to the realization that maybe what we had wasn't meant for forever. You taught me so much about myself, about the person you believed that I could be and look at me now. I'm not that girl anymore, who's too afraid to stand up for herself and what she believes in. I am a woman now who believes she can achieve anything, who believes in herself.

You tore me down, but you showed me how to build myself back up with all the little pieces so I could come back stronger. You held me when I needed you, protected me when I felt my most vulnerable. You were always there for me, cheering me on from the sidelines when I needed that person in my life. Unfortunately, I wasn't that person for you. 

You found home in someone else's arms. You found in them, what I had found in you. The way you look at her is how you once looked at me, when I was the one in your bed in the mornings running out of your house so I wouldn't be late for work. She suits you better, better than I ever could.

I always thought that in finding myself, I would find home in someone whom I trusted. But, that's not how life works. You showed me that life isn't about finding someone to love you, it's about finding someone who shows you how to love yourself.