The Phoenix ~Louis Tomlinson

Chapter 20

We sat at the end of one of the main docks along the lake and put our feet in the water. The moon was nearly full and lit up the lake. We sat in silence, watching the silver reflection dance on the water.

My chest felt tight, and my cheeks grew hot. Just as I was working up the courage to speak, Louis took my hand.

"You look like you have something important to say," he said calmly.

My eyes met his eyes, and I knew I couldn't avoid the inevitable any longer. He knew me too well, and he could read me like a book.

I took a deep breath, "I do, actually. How could you tell?" I laughed lightly and looked down at my feet, swirling the ink black water around and catching glimmers of moonlight on the ripples. I was biding my time, trying to find the right words.

Louis smiled, "I've known you for a long time."

I wasn't sure how to start, but I knew I couldn't hold off any longer.

"It's no secret that we care about each other immensely. And neither one of us want this to end and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I've just been wondering how you feel about continuing this and what your thoughts on distance would be." I looked down, unable to meet his gaze. My eyes grew hot with tears and my ears began to ring with nerves.

Louis sat silently, thinking it over. For the first time in a long time, the silence between us felt uncomfortable. Finally, Louis cleared his throat to speak.

"Valerie, you're right. It isn't a secret that we have feelings for each other, and we'd both love to pursue these feelings. But the truth is, distance is a very scary thing. Distance changes everything. I don't want to hurt you, Val. But I don't know if I'd be comfortable with it," he looked up at the moon, unable to hide the pain on his face.

He'd been honest. And that's all I could ask for.

"It's a tricky monster to overcome. But I guess I was just hoping that you'd think it was worth a shot," I replied, hurt. It was difficult to speak, it felt as though I was drowning.

"It's not that it isn't worth a shot, I just wouldn't want to mess it up," Louis replied, quickly. "I don't know if I'm good enough to handle this."

I sighed, allowing a hot tear to escape and run down my cheek.

"Remember when I asked you if you'd rather love and never be loved or be loved and never be able to love in return? And I answered that I'd rather love and never be loved. Do you know why?" I asked, looking at Louis. "Because that's already the world I live in. I live that every day. I love and I don't ask for anything in return because I've learned that I can't expect anything from anybody else because they will always let me down. And that is because no one will ever be capable of loving me back as deeply as I love them. And do you know why?" My mouth twisted into a frown as I fought the urge to sob, I took a deep breath in and waited for a reply.

"No, but I can say that love is scary," Louis replied, looking down at his hands.

"It's because most people would rather be loved and never be able to love in return because they're too scared. They're too afraid of never getting anything in return for their unconditional love, they're too afraid of being hurt" I finished, allowing my body to collapse. My face in my hands, I tried to breathe through the tears.

"I don't want to hurt you, I don't want our summer together to end. Please understand that," Louis said quietly.

I had no words. Only the false hope that at the end of the day, our relationship would be worth fighting for. I could feel a distance forming between us and I hadn't even moved.

"So now what?" I asked, wiping my face with a small sniffle.

"I can't think of anything more terrifying than losing you," Louis said quietly. "Distance is an obstacle that isn't easily tackled. But it isn't impossible."

I could feel his eyes on me, and I stopped shaking. I dared to look up at his face to see creases of concern etched into his forehead. He let out a small sigh and wrapped his arm around me.

"You're worth fighting for, Valerie. You're one of a kind, and I don't want to fail you. I want you to understand that I fear my own shortcomings, I'm not perfect," Louis said, squeezing me closer.

"I understand Lou. And that's fair, but I think we can do this. And if we can't, at least we can say we tried," I said, wrapping my arm around his waist.

He laughed lightly, "you have the heart of a determined warrior."

I blinked my tears away for the time being and took a shaky breath in. Louis kissed the top of my head and we sat in silence, recuperating from the emotional roller coaster we had just ridden. I rested my head on his shoulder, feeling at ease for the first time since Louis and I had started speaking again.

We'd been through so much in such a short amount of time. But that's how a summer love works.