Are these what they call "The Teenage Years"?

People and Me.

I always feel the need to shut my phone off and stay offline for 4-5 days. Normal people would do so because they want to shut themselves off for a little bit, or disappear from all those notifications and so on. I on the other hand, I think I always get this urge because I want to find out if someone will miss me, or if someone will be worried about me. Will anyone remember me? Will they do anything to hear my voice? will they ask around to find out if I'm good?

I always wanna stop needing people, I don't want to miss people or not enjoy time if I'm not with anyone. I want to be totally independent and do not need people. The sad fact is, I wanna do this not because I love feeling independent or whatsoever. It's because I HAVE NOBODY.

it's really hard for me to say that I have nobody because if you're looking from afar, I have my mom who would support me and help overcome this. But, it's just that all moms do the same and sometimes you can't just go up to your mom and tell her that you feel the world is a horrible place and that your existence hurts you more than anything. You can't tell her that you feel like you've became this dark person because you feel like nobody loves you and nobody wants to know who the fuck you are and nobody cares what and how to make you happy and if you're actually sad. The sad truth that makes me unable to sleep at night is; I feel like I'm useless and worthless. I don't have anything special in me, I am nobody and what's worse is that I don't see a future for me. What am i going to do? everything that I'm interested in is very hard to learn and needs years. No college will accept me, I don't fit anywhere. I have no friends and if you counted her, give her 1 good year and she's not gonna remember my name.

The other ugly thing I can;t get over is the fact that I don't have friends. I don't why, everyone tells me that I'm so sociable but no matter what i do, i always end up with one friend who decides to forget about me once we are apart. It's unsettling for me because I grew up having loads of friends who always supported me anywhere I went. My family used to hurt me like anything will ever do, but then, I was back to my pack. I felt immense love and happiness that my family couldn't give me. I was literally the black sheep but with my friends i was the leader of the pack and I fit in. We were all different, we came from different places, we had different skin colour, we had everything differently but we we're one big united different thing. Now this was taken from me, and here I am. I waited to swap schools and to find them again but I was different and they were all the same. I swapped schools again and again looking for a group of friends but it just never happened. Instead I had 1 friend for a period of time and then they disappear. Now my only friend started drifting and we didn't even go to college yet. She will never call me if I didn't, she will never text if i didn't, she'll never ask me to hangout and she will put everything above me. She'll make new friends and she'll put them first alongside her studies. I'll be left alone. Utterly lonely and useless. She'll become a doctor inshallah and her parents pride and joy, while I'll be the different thing which can't fit anywhere. I just hope I learned my lesson. Friends don't last, stop dreaming about your old friends and move the fuck on. They did and the world continued spinning without you.

My sister doesn't get when I become competitive or when I get mad seeing someone who has it all and still doesn't thank god. She doesn't get the fact that I've been longing for the feeling they get when they achieve something great or when people appreciate them or when everyone claps for them. I never had people support me or clap for me and one might thing it's because I never did something for them to appreciate me for but what they don't get is that I tried and tried and tried to do all these things and never succeed. I tried all the different kinds of study methods and I even observed what overachievers do and i did EXACTLY the same. I watched youtube videos just to learn "my way" and find the best method for me and it never worked out. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm tired of this feeling. I'm tired of looking at the mirror seeing this useless, worthless person who longs for appreciation and attention. God help me.

#SELFPITY.