protector or destroyer. (shadow hunter fanfic)

Magnus's loft

"hey." She smiled back at Magnus. He was still wearing his PJ's, he looked exhausted. she took she was handed. "it's not coffee. Don't worry I know you don't like it."

"so, its...."

"hot chocolate."

"drugged?"

"no." his smiled turned into a frown. "dreams that bad?"

"not so much dreams, more like bad memories."

He took her hand and squeezed it tightly. His smile returning to his face. He never really did wear a frown. "you really did love him."

"yeah."

"even though he was a-

"monster? Magnus you know better. Better than anyone that-

"I know. But he killed innocents and started a war. I know that you blame yourself, but it wasn't."

"but it was. If I hadn't taken his memories, he wouldn't have ever done those things." She watched the cream now completely melted swirl in with the chocolate. "well the past is the past."

"don't do that. Not with me." He looked at her with exasperation. "you may be able to fool them, with your mask but I can see right through it."

"I know. I know. It's just easier."

"it's never better though, to bottle it up." He says in between yawns.

"you should probably go to bed."

"Are you coming."

"no. I'm going to stay out here a little longer." He gave her a kiss on the forehead and hugged her goodnight before he left her alone on the balcony. She stood there until the sun came up, then she sat down and tried her hardest to stay awake, but sleep had overpowered her.

She woke up the next morning from the sound of clattering glasses. She sleepily looked into the apartment and Alec and Magus were up. She got up and went inside. Greeting them sleepily. "morning beautiful." Alec and Ria said 'morning' together and then looked towards each other confused. Magnus let out a little chuckle. "how was your sleep, Ria."

"good."

"nightmare?"

"no." she said as he turned away from her. "hey, you did drug me." Magnus just shrugged and muttered something along the lines of 'I have no idea what you are taking about.' "well then I'm going to head for a shower. Do you mind if I go in yours?"

"Why?" "yeah sure." Alec and Magnus said at the same time.

"I know I have definitely left some clothes hiding in your room." Ria said as she made her way to the bathroom. She stripped and went into the shower. She let the water run down her turning from freezing to hot, numbing her skin. She lent her head against the wall as memories of last night flashed around her. Ria's head began to sear with pain, she couldn't tell if it was because she was knocking her head against the wall or the memories. Images of Jonathon. The memories of Idris with the circle. The pain, the happiness. The lost. Slowly she got out the shower wrapping a white towel around her body. Looking in the mirror she could see the bruise starting to go blue then green then pink and then gone. She left the bathroom and went over to Magnus's wardrobe. Inside was some of Alec's jumpers and jeans. She moved deeper into the wardrobe and pulled out a box. Opening it up the contents spilled out. clothes of all shades and colours. Materials from Scottish leather to Amazon silk. She pulled out dress after dress, each of them not at all lost their smell. At the very bottom she found some black leather shorts and a cropped long-sleeved shirt. She found her black boots under a floor bord and took some jewellery off Magnus. Borrowing some off magnus make up she put on a light natural look. She grabbed her clothes from the night before and put them in her bag. Looking at herself in the mirror she really didn't look herself. She looked like a shadow hunter not the weirdo who went on adventures and got magnus in trouble countless times. They felt like a millennium ago. She walked out of the room and into the kitchen. Jace and Magnus in the kitchen.

"you look good."

Ria knew the voice, his voice so mysterious, curious, just like his eyes. "thanks Bane." She looked towards him and smiled. He smiled back. He played with his rings. "what is wrong?"

"when was- do you need some- a drink?" she knew that he was asking about the blood.

"I'm ok."

"you sure? You do look parched."

"I'll have some tonight."

"you sure you can manage that long." Jace said from the couches. He turned his head up to them. his face emotionless but he couldn't hide the concern from his eyes.

Magnus turned in surprise. "he knows?"

"he found out. when she came back to his room soaking wet and smelling like the river-" She looked at him in the eyes shaking her head slightly. Knowing he had said too much he shut up. But she knew it was too late.

"you weren't." magnus looked towards her only seeing sorrow he shouted, "Ria! You know- you could- urgh. Why? You have to stop. You are harming yourself."

"what no! she was... you-

"Jace you can't really tell me that you didn't figure it out. she goes to the river to tie a cement block to her so she will drown."

"why?"

"I need to remember. I need to know. Dying is the only way I see it."

"see what?"

"the past."

"What about the past." Alec asked coming in. They all stood still before Jace said something snarky and rude.