The Brendon Urie Collection: Brendon Urie x Reader (mostly)

Numb

This was a request in my DM's and I took a little time with it because I try to be really careful with writing mental health things, especially when it's not something I've often experienced. Mostly, I just went off their request and description, and did not take much creative liberty. All this being said, I think this might require a TW? Very mental health centric, discusses not eating due to stress, etc...

You had been very open with Brendon about your mental health from the get-go, as was he with his own, and he was well aware of what happened when you became too overwhelmed. Unfortunately, because you absolutely hated pouring your problems out for him to deal with, he usually didn't know when it was happening to you. You always tried to carry everything yourself, hiding your struggles and stresses from him and for the most part, you succeeded. Brendon hated that you would never let him help you, but he didn't want to push.
Today, everything had just become too much all at once, and you could feel yourself shutting down. You felt sick. You hadn't been eating much lately because you were so stressed, you'd been drinking little to no water, and overall just not taking care of yourself. You knew you weren't okay, but you couldn't bring yourself to do anything about it. You laid down in your shared bed, hoping that taking a break from working on your latest project would help you get back on track. You stared blankly at the ceiling, you couldn't even cry. Everything was just numb. You really didn't know how long you had been there, nor did you hear or realize it when Brendon arrived home and began calling your name. He finally finds you laying on the bed, and rushes over.
"Baby? What happened?" He said softly, as he sits on the edge of the bed next to you. You wouldn't look at him, you just shook your head and kept your eyes locked on the fan in the center of the ceiling. You feel him grab your hand in his and squeeze it.
"Baby, Angel, please talk to me. I just want to help you, please let me help you." He said, his voice breaking slightly. You still weren't looking, but you could hear that he was about to cry. You knew he was scared, he'd confessed this to you in the past when this happened. That was one of the reasons you didn't like to push your problems on him, you hated seeing him upset, and especially upset because of you.
He speaks again, and you hear that he's speaking, but your brain just blocks it out.
He sighs, knowing you aren't ready to speak yet, and lays down next to you after a few moments of your silence. His hand finds yours again and he holds it tight.
Eventually, you tear your eyes from the ceiling and look over at him, and see that his are still glossy.
"Hi. Are you ready to tell me what's been going on up there?" He asks, and you know from his tone that he doesn't mean it in a bad way. He's genuinely asking if you're ready. You shake your head no.
"Ok. That's ok. Can I just hold you for a bit then?"
He knows eventually you'll be able to talk to him, but for now he's being patient and understands that this is what you can handle right now.
You nod, and he opens his arms up for you. You don't move, so he grabs you and pulls you into him. Your ear is pressed to his chest, and you can hear his heart beating steadily.
He rhythmically strokes his hand up and down your back, as he thinks only of how he wishes he could make you feel better. He absentmindedly kisses the top of your head a few times, but mostly you just lay there with his hand on your back, focusing on breathing.
After a little while, he feels a teardrop land on his chest, then more, and he cranes his neck back a bit to look at you. You make eye contact and the look in his eyes is all it takes for you to completely break. He looks so sad and scared and it breaks your heart into pieces. Heaving sobs wrack your body as Brendon holds you tightly, telling you it's okay, he's here, and he's got you. This was truthfully what he had been waiting for, because he knows he can help you through it now that he got you out of your trance.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you." you sob, over and over again.
His heart breaks, hearing you plead for his forgiveness like this when, in his mind, there was nothing to forgive. He just holds you and continues whispering reassurances in your ear for a while, until you finally begin to calm down. You sniffle as he rubs your back soothingly, and you reach to wipe the tears soaking your face, taking a deep, shuddering breath. You sit up, and so does he. You look him in the eyes again. He no longer looked so scared, which you're glad about.
"Welcome back. Are you okay?" He asks softly, knowing the truth.
You nod at first, quietly squeaking out "yeah, I'm fine."
He gives you a look, and you change your answer.
"I'm not okay" you whisper.
"I know you aren't, angel. What can I do to help you? You know I'll do anything. Please just tell me what's been going on with you."  He asks, moving a piece of hair behind your ear. You sigh, knowing you wouldn't be able to push it under the rug and hide from him any longer.
"Everything is just so hard right now. I feel like I'm pushing you and all my friends away, all I do is work and it's been hell, nothing's going right and I just- it's so hard. I feel like shit.  I'm sorry. I hate telling you this stuff because I don't want you to get upset or hurt your feelings. I know I scare you, I'm so sorry." you finally confess.
"Oh baby," he whispers, pulling you back into him for a hug as he continues. "Please don't apologize, I always want you to know that you can tell me anything, no matter what. The thing that hurts my feelings is when you don't think you can talk to me. I'M sorry if I EVER made you feel like you couldn't. I love you, I want to help you, and I want to take care of you, but I can't do that when you keep everything bottled up in that beautiful head of yours until we end up here." He says as he hugs you, kissing the top of your head.
"I know. I'm sorry." You tell him.
"You don't have to keep apologizing, love. Just know that I'm here for you, okay? Always come to me before it gets too bad so I can help?"
"Okay. I love you so much." You whisper.
He gently places a finger under your chin and kisses you softly. It was short but sweet, and it was what you needed to ground you in the moment.
He cups your cheeks in his hand as you look into his soft eyes.
"I love you so much too. I'm making a promise. My promise to you is to try harder to notice when you're getting stressed, will you promise you'll open up a little more to me?"
You nod as best as you can with your face still in his hands and tell him you promise.
"Good. Seal it with a kiss?" He says, a small smile now on his face.
"If I didn't know better, I'd say you're just using this as an excuse to kiss me again."
His smile grows larger now.
"Guilty, now come here my love"