On the edge of everything

Part 4

"Okay, Mila: close the windows and take down the blinds. Everyone else just stay where you are while I check my email." Ms. Joanne opens her laptop with a concerned expression. I do as I am told with Margot's help and soon the room's light mimics dusk. I move to turn on the light but Ms. Joanne stops me.

"Mila sit down," she instructs sternly. "Please," she adds a moment later.

I slowly move to sit down next to Margot, the entire room quietly staring at Ms. Joanne with wide eyes. My wrist starts to ache; it always chooses the most inconvenient times. I hold it gently in my lap and listen to Ms. Joanne.

"Okay. I'm just going to read you the email from Principal Sanchez," she pauses and takes in a deep breath. "Okay: Dear Saint Catherine's staff. We are currently on lockdown. Everyone must remain where they are until further notice. This protocol was enacted by the Portland Police. All we know now is that there was a shooting at Evans Charter School approximately 10 minutes ago. The shooter has not yet been detained by the police and the number of injuries and fatalities have not yet been ascertained. We do not know what type of weapon was used or the severity of the situation. Please tell your students to remain calm and to contact their parents and family members promptly. We will send updates as they come from the police and the mayor's office. Thank you, stay safe."

Ms. Joanne's hand tremors as she closes the laptop. Evans is only about 10, maybe 15 miles from our school. I visited as an eighth grader to see if I wanted to attend; I probably would have if it wasn't for SC. One twist of fate and I might have been there today. Another turn and that gun could've been in my school.

The room erupts in the beeping of phones and hushed voices as parents and other family members are called. I sit down on the floor near the heater in the back corner of the room and call my dad.

"Hello?" He answers on the first ring.

"Hey dad, it's Mila." He begins to respond but I keep going. "So, I don't know if you've seen the news but there was a shooting at Evans Charter." I can hear his breath react. "So, we were told by the police to go on lockdown. We don't have very much information but I'll text you when we do."

He hesitates. "Okay, honey." He takes in a shaky breath. "Are you okay? Do you need a ride?"

"I'm fine." My go-to answer when I don't want to tell my counselor dad about my feelings but don't want to be rude. "I don't know about the ride. We haven't gotten any info about how the rest of the day will go. I'll text you when we do."

"Will do. Love you. Talk to you soon."

"Yep."

I put my phone on the ground beside me and lean my head back on the heater which shutters as it wakes up. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, nervousness consuming my body. My mind goes to Evans, to the halls that I once walked through. I think of my former classmates who now attend the school and I wonder where they are-- if they're safe, if they're okay.

I close my eyes but that makes the horrible images flash even more rapidly through my mind. Margot sits down next to me on the floor. "What ya thinking?" She asks me. For someone who so desperately avoids discussing her feelings, my face sure does reveal them quite readily.

I get a little annoyed with her; it is fairly obvious what I am thinking and it's probably the same stream of thought that is invading her mind. I don't like to talk when I'm upset; I usually just want to be alone. Margot has never seen me very upset, though, and she doesn't know how I react or how best to comfort me. Then again, most of my friends haven't seen me upset. I'm usually the bright and cheery one who comforts everyone else. I prefer to keep my feelings tucked away because when I release them they tend to become uncontrollable.