On the edge of everything

Part 11

Around eight the next morning, everyone gets up to leave. They leave in relative silence, everyone sleep deprived and still groggy from the slight hangover. Rose is the last one to walk out the door. As she does, I smile at her, my cheeks surely flushing. Our eyes hold and for a moment I think that she is going to lean towards me. Soon, Loise calls for her so that Margot can drive everyone back to the cars still parked at Vien's. She walks out and I close the door behind her. I lean back against the door, my heart rapidly beating before I go back to my room in an attempt to get a little more sleep before the busy day ahead of me.

As I lay in bed, failing to fall back asleep, I quietly smile to myself. The sun slowly rises on what I am certain will be a spectacular March day-- one that reminds us all that the rain will eventually subside and spring will finally emerge, bright and hopeful and full of blossoms.

I am trying to decide how I feel about it all; does this confirm what I was thinking my truth might be or does it assuage my fears. Not fears, really; I'm not scared of being bi. Rather, it makes me feel self-conscious-- even a little guilty. I have always been so sure of who I am.

I know that it's impossible to think that I'd be done discovering myself at the ripe age of 18 but a part of me thought that it was true. Before the musical, before Rose, I thought that I was a moderately shy but open girl, someone who might seem distant but upon heightened interaction would become a good friend. I thought that I wasn't very confident, and that there was no need for me to be. I thought that I had already earned all of my talents. When I pictured my hypothetical relationships in college and the universe beyond, I saw an attractive man holding my hand. When I imagined my first kiss I saw a college boy at a house party somewhere, me pretending that it wasn't my first.

But last night. I giggle. Last night. It was one of those nights where everything is so clear, even if just for a moment. And now I can remember the clarity I had, but the same peace of mind is currently just out of reach. I so desperately want it to return.

I lie down on my bed after brushing the tangled knots from my hair, having not dealt with the hairspray after the performance the whole previous night. The thoughts are bouncing around in my head, banging into each other, creating a conflict I wish would resolve.

Then, my mind settles on Rose. She occupies space in the majority of the thought bubbles zooming around in my skull. It's hard to stop smiling when I think about the warmth that radiated from her hand as she felt mine in the darkness. It was such a little, patient touch that felt so momentous and excellent. It was the culmination of these last couple months' feelings that I wasn't sure were true. They were true, though, my feelings for Rose. I could no longer deny that. Now, I finally realize that what I have been feeling for these past couple months wasn't that desire to get to know Rose or to become better friends. I have been falling for her without even noticing it.

The morning flies by as I do homework slowly and quite unsuccessfully. Once I clarify all of last night's thoughts I move on to tonight and realize that this night is the last night of it all.

Samantha has always spoken of the intensity of the last night— how the large room of actors gets over-emotional at the realization that the hundreds and hundreds of hours of work are going to disappear. After tonight, the sixth and final night of the show, everything will vanish. All of our efforts will disappear. Tonight, while eating crappy pizza and flat soda, we will literally take apart the show that we worked so desperately hard to construct.

It's hard for me to predict how I will feel in the room when the emotions escalate as we do the last warm ups. I haven't been in a situation like this before; you could say that it's the beginning of all of my high school endings. Slowly, in the few months to come before graduation, everything will start to dwindle away, until there is only that cap and that gown and that diploma. The thought makes me feel like crying though the tears don't come. I think that I've been waiting for the time to cry.