On the edge of everything

Part 12

As we make our way off of the stage for the last time, the cast waves goodbye to the audience. I just smile, firmly grasping Rose and Samantha's hands as we back away towards the curtains and into the wings. In the large crowd of thespians eagerly wanting to get off stage in celebration, Rose gets swept towards the stage door. Samantha and I stay back in the wing while I hear everyone else cheer in Senior hall. I struggle for breath and my knees bend, taking me towards the ground.

"Breath in, breath out." Samantha says, rubbing my back. My eyes are squeezed shut but somehow tears still escape them. I hear fast steps making their way towards me followed by Margot's voice comforting me and taking the hand that Samantha isn't grasping. The moment that I can speak, I do so without opening my eyes. "It's too much. It's just too much," I say quietly. After a couple minutes, they help me stand and make my way towards the stage hurricane of thoughts.

"Okay," I tell them. "I'm okay." I remove my hands from their grasps and walk up the stairs alone. As I enter the hallway my head pounds, the headache only intensifying. Everyone around me is simultaneously cheering and crying and as people come to hug me. I let them. I give out compliments on jobs well done until I get to the costume room which, though loud, is not as bad as the hallway.

My bag is in the corner, and I quickly grab it and exit back to the hallway. I slip silently up the stairs to the second-floor bathrooms where, at last, I find peace.

I slowly remove my costume and slip my leggings and t-shirt on. Strike starts in twenty minutes. I gently swipe a makeup wipe across my face, removing the mascara stains which go down to my chin.

I am so grateful that no one passes through the doors as I sit on the ground next to the full-length mirror. That is not what I need. I pick up my phone and tell my parents that I am going to take the bus home after strike, they each respond with loving emojis and lengthy paragraphs about how much they love me. I reply with three large red hearts.

After taking large gulps of water from the fountain, I walk back downstairs to where the rest of the cast is convening. I am about to enter the auditorium when Mrs. Laurel stops me. "Go home, Mila," She tells me as she pulls me into a hug. I nod into her shoulder. I do not need any more convincing than that.

I don't say goodbye to any of my friends or even to Rose. I change quickly, grab my bag and walk straight out of the building. I see that the train isn't coming for nearly 20 minutes due it's infrequent use on the weekends. Rather than waiting, standing in silence at the stop, I put in my headphones and start to walk. I walk down the hill towards the river and across the bridge. I walk up Interstate Avenue, out of breath when I finally reach Overlook Park where it sits at the top of a hill, marking the edge of North Portland.

Overlook Park has its name for a clear reason. On the west side, it slopes down towards the river before dropping off entirely, just past the fence and the massive trees that line it. Between those trees, however, downtown is visible in the distance, beyond the industrialized waterfront, nestled sweetly between the Willamette river and the evergreen-covered hills separating city from suburb. The sun is on the verge of setting as I reach the park's western edge. I run down the hill and watch as the sun quickly makes it way down to the hilltop and out of sight.

For a moment, I stand still, taking in the beauty; The pines surrounding me, the river below, the skyline becoming more defined as the sun disappears but the glow is left in the sky. It's one of those moments that, without the thoughts whizzing through my mind, I could stay in forever. However, once I stand still, all I can do is think. Once my body stops, my brain takes over, forcing me to confront all that I am feeling despite my desire to keep it at a distance.