On the edge of everything

Part 15

Yet another unique aspect of attending an all-girls Catholic School is the annual ritual of going on a retreat. Every year of high school there has been a different theme or focus of the three-day retreat and this year the purpose is quite clearly stated in the retreat's name alone: Finale.

We get to school like usual on Thursday morning and pile our sleeping bags and duffles in the middle of the front hall to be loaded after morning announcements in homeroom. We are all giggling and nervous and just excited not to be in the classroom for the few days and to return back to the base of every retreat we have had.

Our retreats are different from typical Catholic retreats, I would say, in that we are not focused on God or on some other spiritual leader as much as we are focused on ourselves and on our connection with those around us and the nature that we are surrounded by. We are trying to center ourselves during these chaotic final weeks of high school, where the drama of what everyone is doing next year and the fear of all the future unknowns is overwhelming. So, for these few days in this secluded part of Oregon, with a forest and a stream and several cabins in the woods, we are away from all of that. We are just with each other in this beautiful place.

We pile onto the bus around 9:30 after brief announcements from our homeroom teachers. Margot is trying to retrieve every detail of me and Rose's budding relationships out of me as we move through the surge of seniors and luggage making our way from hallway to bus.

"Rose is your best friend," I remind her. "Why don't you just ask her?"

"Oh believe me, she has," Rose walks up behind me in the line for the first bus and kisses my cheek. "I think I just give in easier so she doesn't pester me as much." She reaches over Margot's shoulder in a hug before returning to my side, comfortably finding my cast-less hand to hold.

Compared to the average high school experience, very few people at SC are dating, and the couples that exist are known. Within the senior class, there are probably three couples, and as the newly minted third, there are glances when Rose kisses my cheek and grabs my hand. It's weird being seen, all of the sudden. For three and a half years at this school I was in the background, where I liked to be, but between Little Women and Rose, things have changed. Everything has changed just in time for it to be done and gone in just 52 days.

"How are you two lovebirds this morning?" Samantha appears beside Margot, pointing at me and Rose. Rose smiles uncomfortably and I chastise Samantha in a whisper, at which she rolls her eyes.

"Do you have any idea what to expect?" I ask Samantha, drawing the attention away from Rose and me.

"Not a clue," she responds uselessly. "All of the upperclassmen kept everything a secret, just like last year's retreat."

"I'm sure it will end with all of us crying and sitting in a circle hugging again," Elena says sarcastically, joining the line beside us. "But it's gonna be worse since now it's the last time and on top of all of the emotions that they will get out of us, they have to get nostalgia tears too." She turns to me where I silently stand. Rose is moving her thumb over my knuckles gently and it has me in a silent peaceful trance. "Will you cry this time?"

I roll my eyes. I have cried in front of my friends more times in the last month than in the entirety of my relationships with them. "You shall see." I respond coolly, making Samantha and Elena giggle.

"You want me to take your bag?" Loise asks me, suddenly appearing next to Elena.

"Yes, please," I respond, holding my left arm close to my side so as to avoid hitting anything, clutching Rose's hand with the other. I could have just let go of Rose's hand and taken the bag myself but I don't want to.