PICKPOCKET━━━━ bellamy blake.【 editing! 】

Chapter 18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

"Then I guess you'll have to shoot me first."

***

I forgot the way Clarke handles loss. I also forgot the way I did.  

 Abby Griffin was like a mother to me, and it doesn't feel real that she is gone... so I guess in my world, she isn't. Not until I have seen a body that is. Unless I see it happen, it's not real. Maybe it's denial, but living in denial is better than grief. At least, in my opinion. Postponing grief is better than drowning it in. 

"I hate everything," I mumbled under my breath, picking a stick off of the ground and chucking it at a low-hanging branch. It missed, ricocheting off of the tree trunk; almost hitting me in the face. I cursed, scowling. "Fuck nature!"

 "Are you slowly losing your mind?" 

 I turned to Bellamy, raising my eyebrows and glancing down at the knife that hung from my belt. "No." 

 "You sure look like it." 

 I am filled with nervous energy. I don't want to see the charred remains of the Exodus ship, it makes all of this too real. I wish things were simpler. As simple as the first day on the ground, when we were all laughing at the prospect of a new beginning. Now, it just seems like we found a different ending. One I didn't necessarily want to see through. 

 "If you keep bouncing around you're gonna hurt yourself." 

 "I'm not a three year old, Blake." I rolled my eyes, although a part of me felt slightly elated that he cared enough to speak up. "I can take care of myself."

 The man stopped, grabbing my arm to make me face him. I paused, momentarily dumbfounded as he stared down at me. The leaves rustled, the sound picking at my attention. I raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, Blake?"

 "Can you stop doing that?" He asked, looking as if he was halfway between a scowl and a sigh. "We're still in enemy territory. And I know you're thinking about-"

 "You don't know what I'm thinking about." I defended, crossing my arms. "I could be thinking about anything. And I don't care about the Grounders; they can stab me if they really want."

  Bellamy's jaw tightened, his voice raising with his annoyance. "Can you stop acting like it doesn't matter if you die for like, three seconds?"

 I froze in place when his voice rose. "What?" 

 Bellamy huffed, running his hand through his hair. I had no idea what he was about to say, but it seemed as if the words struck a chord, as more followed shortly after.  "When you got poisoned, you acted as if Finn was more important than you. When we were on that bridge, you didn't even try to run, you just made sure Clarke was okay; and now you're just traipsing through the forest acting like you don't care about the Grounders." He hit my shoulder. "You need to get it through your head that your life is just as important as anyone else's." 

 I felt my entire face turn red with shock. Where did that come from? When have I ever acted like it didn't matter if I died? I mean, I guess I sort of feel like I am not as important as some people. I mean, Clarke leads everyone, Bellamy gets things done, Monty has the brains for everything, Raven has mechanical background... what am I exactly? An asshole. At least an asshole who's still breathing.