The Plan | l.r.h

thirty-six

Ryan,

This letter was probably one of the hardest ones I've ever had to write because there is so much I want to say and I don't know how to start. You know me, I don't always articulate my words well when talking. So, I figured the best way to tell you how I was feeling and what has been going thorough my head the past few days was through a letter.

We never really talked about Sam before. I only mentioned her that one time. Remember that day? I spontaneously picked you up and we went for breakfast at that cute little diner. On the way there we were asking each other questions and you asked me if I had a girlfriend, and that was when I told you about Sam. Then after we walked around the plaza for the first time. It was the same plaza where I later told you I love you.

I realized recently that that time, our first date you could say, was really the only time I talked about Sam and because of that I realized, before she was found, to you she was probably just a figure of my past. She was never a real person to you, someone that you had to worry about, because she was gone. You never had to worry about whether my feelings for her were still there or not because she wasn't there for me to have feelings for her.

To put it simply, in your mind, she didn't exist, so she probably didn't exist to me either.

But now that she's back, you see that she's real and you are now acknowledging that she disappeared out of the blue one day, so that may mean I have unresolved feelings. That I may still love her. And you're right. I do love Sam. But not in the way you think. I love her like a friend, a close companion, a family member. But I'm not in love with her. I never was, and I need you to understand that.

Sam and I met when we were really young. Neither of us had ever been in a relationship and we had never loved anyone before. It was this whole new world that we were entering together. Over time, Sam became comfortable and safe to me, and I mistook that for being in love. Of course I loved Sam, just like I loved my family, but I thought because we were dating that it was true love, and it wasn't. But then when she went missing, I was overwhelmed with grief and sadness. It felt like she was being ripped away from me, and again I thought that was because I was in love with her. But I just felt the way I would if anyone that close to me disappeared: my mom, my dad, my brothers.

Eventually, the immense feeling of grief that I was experiencing made me feel like I couldn't do anything, and that was when I saw my therapist and was diagnosed with depression. But Sam disappearing was not why I "got" depression, it wasn't because I loved her so much that when she disappeared I became depressed. It was just the triggering factor that led to my diagnosis of depression. Looking back, I always had it lingering in my head. When I would experience small triggers, I would go days without any motivation, without eating, without being able to move, feeling a pound of bricks on my chest and shoulders. I just never knew that was all symptoms of depression. It wasn't until Sam disappeared and my depression hit an all-time low that impaired my day-to-day living for months that I realized all those small triggers and breakdowns I had before were depression.

My depression was not a result of the love of my life going missing because I was never in love with Sam. She was not my first love, you are. I didn't know what real, true love was until I met you.

You make my life so much better. You are the brightest light at the end of my miserable tunnel. When I leave for work, I am already bouncing with excitement for when I can come home to you. You are on my mind every second of every minute of every day. When I wake up in the morning, my first thought is you. When I roll over and see your perfect face soundly asleep, it puts the biggest smile on my face. I live for the tiny moments we share, like something as simple as doing laundry because I get to do it with you. There is no one on this earth I would rather be with and marry. My life is meaningless without you and you make every bad day worth it because I know that, at the end of the day, I go to bed next to you.

So, when you asked me to go to dinner with Sam, I knew I didn't need to because I already knew I never loved her in that way, but that was when I realized you didn't know that. That is why I agreed to go to dinner with Sam, so that your mind can be put at ease. And that's also why I'm writing you this letter. So that you can understand and know that you are the only girl I've ever been in love with and the only girl I ever will be in love with.

I am so ready to marry you and I want to start a family with you. You are my first love, my true love, and my last love. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

By the time you're reading this letter, I will already be at the restaurant. But when you're done, I will have already met with Sam, told her everything I told you in this letter, and said goodbye to her forever. Sam was a dear person to me in the past, but I have grown and changed so much since she disappeared. She brings up too many memories about my depression and I don't see her in our future. She is a wonderful soul and I wish her the very best on her life path.

You are my everything, Ryan, and my entire future. I love you more every day. I love you more than yesterday, but less than tomorrow. I am so madly in love with you and I can't wait to marry you so we can spend the rest of our lives together as husband and wife.

Yours forever,

Luke