Now That You Are Here

Ice Cream

I hear the pumping music playing in the frat house building next to mine. Of course, being the total idiot I am, I gave into my parents wanting me to join a sorority. Kappa Alpha Theta. Yes, I know sororities cost more money than going to college as a regular student, but with my grandmother (and mother) being who they are, I was forced to join. 

They are both alumni, and unfortunately, I so happen to be a part of the next generation of alumni. They also said the only way that I'll make friends is by them being forced to be mine. If it's not clear why I don't really like my family, there's one reason. I get that jokingly, I would be laughing, but when your parents say it, completely serious, it's not so funny anymore.

I'm an only child, so everything my parents didn't get to accomplish is forced on me.  Like a lot of parents, at least I think so. It's always 'I just want you to better than I was', 'You have a way brighter future'. No, no. You probably don't, but your parents just want to pretend that they actually accomplished your accomplishments because they gave birth to you. My parents want me to accomplish being rich and whatever that comes with for them, and it absolutely fucking sucks. 

This whole pressure thing has made college about ten times worse. Don't get my wrong, I like college, I really do, but if I'm being honest...studying and trying to earn money and having a ton of homework when you're learning something you don't want to learn, ruins college. Homework ruins college in general, but on top of that I'm trying to learn shit I don't want to know. 

I haven't found something I want to do. I'm studying to be a neurologist (parents;rich), and it's definitely not what I want. I'm absolutely positive that doing surgery on people's brains is a no, no for me. I hate blood. I hate thinking about what's going on in my body. That would be the worst possible job I could possibly have. 

Plus, I'm terrible under pressure, so I'll probably freak out as a unconscious person lays on the table. I could be a regular doctor, whatever that means, but then the patients aren't unconscious, so I actually have to talk to people. That's also a big no, no. I'm confused on my future. Not that everyone knows that already. A lot of people are, but I'm in college. I want to know a basic thing I might want to do. 

My mother, Ophelia, and father, Bernard, want me to make millions of dollars and buy them a house one day. They don't need a house. they have a perfectly fine one. The one that I grew up in,a dn they are so willing to sell it. That only means that I had to choose a major that could provide the money to do that sort of thing. 

I've never really been into having a lot of money and being incredibly rich, I like a more simple life. Not that I'm given any choices about my life. After long hours of yelling from my parents, that eventually convinced me to give up my own life, neurology seemed like a good choice. Now that I'm actually studying it, the thought of doing surgery on anyone just terrifies me.  

They make a ton of money. It's just not what I want to do. Neither do I want to buy my parents a house when they are already sitting more comfortable than most. They have no idea how lucky they are, and it's annoying. They have such a wonderful life. 

They have a home, an amazing three story home. They get food on their table every night from a private chef named Kristen that they don't pay enough. They don't have to do any laundry or cleaning because they have a maid named Nathan who does it for them. 

They literally have a masseuse, and yet I still have to make their lives better. What's better than having a private chef. Nothing. Selfishly, I wish I had a sibling to help me carry this burden. If I wasn't selfish, I'm glad that no one else has to deal with my parents. I think it would be nice to not have all the pressure on me to go through with my parents dreams. Troy Bolton was right.

Back to the house, it only shows how much my parents don't really like me. I wasn't a bad kid. At all. I had and still do have some of the best grades you have ever seen. I work my ass off making money for myself. I didn't date, or do drugs, or drink. I had sex a few times, but not that they ever knew that. I was a pretty innocent kid, until I started living next to a frat house. 

That changed everything. Late nights like these suck me into how much I hate my life. I have anxiety, like most people in this world, and my brain just goes. Overthinking everything. In eighth grade, I started sobbing in the middle of class, and I can't stop thinking about it. I don't even talk to the people I knew in eighth. They probably don't think about it anymore, and I can't get it out of fucking head. 

But if I'm focusing back on what's on my plate now, I somehow have to make it to the store to buy cookie dough ice cream without one of the sorority sisters tugging me into the party. A party I do not want to go to. I'm fine if it's going on, I don't care who goes, and I don't care that I'm by myself. I like being by myself compared to going to a party. 

A bunch of sweaty guys trying to rub up on me and get me to have sex with them...no thank you. I would rather stab my eye with a pencil. I need to go to the store to get ice cream because I have real priorities, but I just don't want to be kidnapped into going. Especially with girls that I'm not particularly interested in getting to know. They are another breed of girls that gossip, drink Starbucks, and take a lot of selfies. 

I'm not judging, but I would rather they not force it on me. I don't know if that makes sense. I think everyone has free will to make their own decision, but once someone tries to make me become something I'm not, I get a little pissed. I'm not here to be a buddy buddy with girls I don't like. 

I'll smile, I'm friendly, but I'm not about to gossip about how hot the frat boys are. I want to watch Parks and Rec, work on my car, and eat ice cream. I don't want to be a part of it. I have told most of them that many times, not that they ever listen. 

They most likely gossip more about me than anyone else on this campus. I watched Sydney White a few days ago (for the first time), and it all seemed a little too familiar. The whole sorority hazing thing. I was not a fan of that, and I always seemed to be targeted. The only reason they even let me in was because of my past Kappa Alpha Theta history, that technically, isn't even mine. I'm just not a fan of where my life is going at the moment.

Another reason I'm not going to the party is, I don't want an egotistical guy rubbing his dick against my ass because he's horny. No, no, no. I'm not an object, and I don't want their dicks against my ass. That seems like a reasonable request. Sure, some women like that random guy doing whatever to their ass, and I think that's great. If a woman wants to do that, go for it. 

I have no issue, but I'm not one of them. I'm just not. Some people don't respect that. That's where I get mad. It's not that I don't like sex, but I'm picky. I love sex. There's nothing like it, but I don't want to have sex with a random guy. I did it once, and my whole life fell apart. I was just a random girl and now all of a sudden I'm a slut for having sex with a guy I wasn't supposed to have sex with. 

I need ice cream. 

Cookie dough is awaiting me, and I'm too nervous about going to a party. A party no one really even wants me at. Think, Reign Henderson. I can get through this. Even if I get tugged into the party, I can sneak out of a window. It's not like anything from After by Anna Todd is ever going to happen to me. 

Ha. I wish. A hot guy like Hardin even looking at me would be a dream. I take a deep breath, the one of many I have already taken tonight. That's what I get for having a cheating boyfriend who doesn't deserve my tears. Most of my breaths have been shaky to hold back tears.