Catch Me [Teen Romance]

18

He took a deep breath and continued;

"They ran away straight after, all of them, leaving her there for dead. I had never been as full of rage in my entire life, I was completely choked, I couldn't even find the strength inside myself to pick myself up from the floor and walk over to her. I literally had to crawl, and all I remember is holding her in my arms, she was so cold Ava. She didn't feel like my mum at all. She was lifeless. She tried to speak but she couldn't, she only managed to whisper 'I'm sorry. I love you, please take care of yourself' in her last breath as she passed away. It made me feel sick. It was my fault she was there, my fault she was dead."

"I...I'm sorry" I said, completely stunned. Words failed me.

He didn't speak either, he just continued staring at the floor, looking more weak and defenceless than ever.

"But Ethan, How the hell is it your fault?"

"I could have stopped her, I could have dragged her away, and I could have done something. But I didn't, did I? I'm a coward Ava, I'm a sad excuse for a human being, I sat and watched and let my own mother die."

I felt my stomach turn once more as I remembered the amount of times I'd called him a 'coward' and seeing his sickened reaction, the time at the skate park, the time at the gig...how stupid and insensitive of me. What was wrong with me, I actually hated myself.

"There was nothing you could have done! They'd have killed you too"

"Yeah and I wish they had"

"Don't say things like that Ethan. Ever"

"Well it's true. I'd have rather died than witness that, you don't know the guilt I carry round with me every single day, the same guilt I've carried round since the day she died"

"I know you won't listen to me but you have nothing to feel guilty for. Your mother would have wanted you to do exactly what you did, and please don't you tell me that's why you call yourself a murderer? Is that why? Because if anything I admire you for what you did and how you've coped with the grief"

He stood up quickly and backed away from me "No that's not it. I am a murderer. I did literally kill someone. You don't know the rest of the story, and in fact, you don't need to know, and I've told you enough, I'm honestly sorry, sorry that I've wasted your time. It was really great to know you Ava" he turned and took one last look at me as he walked away over the clearing. At that moment I felt something inside of me snap, how could he just tell me literally half a story then walk away as if nothing had happened? Was he honestly insane? "great to know you Ava" - what was that supposed to mean, we pretend that nothing ever happened? I ran over to him and pulled him back with so much force that we both lost footing on the wet quarry floor and collapsed to the ground.

"How can you just walk away from me?" I huffed loudly.

"I'm not walking away Ava, I've just realised that I've wasted enough of your time. Man, I mean, what the hell did I think was gonna happen between us? Did I seriously think that I'd ever be good enough for you? Because I never will be, if anything you'll hate me after this, and I deserve it I really do. I wish you would just hate me" Once again he had a completely new look on his face that I wasn't at all familiar with; he looked sad but at the same time enraged - at me.

I knew that what I was about to say to him next wouldn't make any difference at all, but I still felt like I needed to try.

"Hate you? Hate you?" I repeated angrily slamming my fists down into the dense muddy floor "Nothing would EVER make me hate you. If you think that then you obviously don't know me one little bit, because Ethan, I have tried my hardest to despise you, believe me. But every time I got the thought in my head, it went straight back out again, and I can't keep avoiding how I feel. The truth is, I really do like you. I think I always have. In fact, I know I always have. I just tried to deny it because, well... I thought you hated me too." I felt myself blush at what I'd just said.