Hundred Letters To You

Letter 5

Alaric Carson

***

Today, I didn't know what to do. Wala kasi akong klase ngayon, napagdesisyunan ko nalang sana na magfocus nalang sa aking thesis para may masimulan na ako, hanggang ngayon wala pa rin akong nasisimulan na kahit ano.

Naupo ako sa kama ko at inilapag yung laptop sa hita ko. Nag-unat muna ako bago ko binuksan yung MS Word ko. I've been researching last night about Non-verbal communication and to be honest, I gathered "some" informations pero sobrang konti lang 'non. Not enough to support my thesis.

Actually, wala talagang pumapasok sa isip ko sa lahat ng articles na nabasa ko na pwede ko sanang gawing source, iniisip ko pa rin yung mga letters. I actually messaged a few people already, nakaapat na ata ako counted yung una kong tinanong. But to my disappointment, all of them answered "no".

I started typing several words. Buti at kahit papaano nakakapagsimula na ako but everytime I reread those sentences that I wrote, I'm not satisfied. Para bang may hinahanap ako na something, and I just can't fucking figure out what is it.

Ginulo ko ang buhok ko nang muli kong idelete lahat ng sinulat ko. I stared in front if the blank page sa MS Word.

Now, I'm back to zero.

As in wala, walang kahit na isang letra o kahit isang tuldok man lang ang nakasulat sa blank page ng MS Word, just a freaking blank page. This thesis is stressing me out. Idagdag mo pa yung mga letters ni Sol. Nastrestress din ako sa paghahanap kay A.

I also don't know why I'm putting a lot of effort in finding A but there's something sa letters ni Sol that makes me want to look for A.

In the end, I chose to give up sa pagpapakaplastic na may masisimulan akong kahit na ano sa thesis paper ko. I closed the MS Word at nagpunta nalang sa Google.

I went to futuristic.com, I still find ways para mabasa yung mga letters ni Sol and it's stressing me out.

I went to my messages at binuksan yung panglimang letter ni Sol para kay A. I still have a long way to go sa mga letters niya.

A,

I went to our school today para mag-enroll, sobrang labag sa loob ko pero nagagalit na sakin sina mama. They told me, why am I even bothering na magmukmok para sa isang lalaking iniwanan lang ako and to think that I'm just 16.

They just can't understand the pain I am feeling. Yung sakit naman walang pinipili na edad kaya kahit sabihin mo pang, sobrang bata pa niyan, may karapatan din namang masaktan. Hindi porket bata hindi na nasasaktan.

Ang toxic ng ganung mindset, na pag bata ka wala kang karapatang masaktan.

Puppy love lang naman daw yung nararamdaman ko para sayo at masyado raw OA yung reaction ko over our break up.

They can't understand me and they will never will.

Hindi naman sila yung iniwan... hindi naman sila yung nasasaktan ngayon.. hindi naman nila nararamdaman yung sakit.

They forced me to enroll today, I told them I want to skip school for a year but they really insisted na mag-enroll na ako and because they are my parents and you know how toxic they are, wala na akong nagawa.

Namimiss na kita... namimiss ko na yung pag magkaaway kami ng parents ko at wala akong matakbuhan na mga kaibigan ikaw yung laging nandyan para sakin.

You were my savior... my shield... my knight in shining armor... my prince charming but I was never your princess. That's the sad part... I was just no one to you when you mean so much more to me.