Feeling.

Drink You Gone

When Bright sees Win at parade on monday, Bright sends him a small smile across the room. Win just nods. It's distant and there's just something cold in his expression as he stares back at him. Bright furrows his brow in confusion, walking toward him. Win busies himself with the coffee, taking his time as he pours milk into his cup.

"Why the face, Metawin?" he asks quietly when he reaches him.

"You left in a hurry on Saturday. Not even a goodbye?"

Bright leans back, shocked at Win's words. He didn't even think about saying goodbye. He just needed to get Tine out of there.

"Win," he says, and Win looks up at him as he slowly secures a plastic lid onto his cup. "I'm sorry. I just… Tine was upset. And I had to get him out of there to explain."

"To explain...?" Win stares up at him, eyes wide with confusion.

He sighs. He doesn't want to elaborate. Win should know. Bright motions between his chest and him. "This… thing."

Win swallows hard. "Right," he says quietly. "Okay, yeah, that's cool."

And with that, Win's brushing past him to the front of the room. He turns to watch him sit down beside Gun, and he's already talking a mile minute.

Shit.

Win thinks he's doing just fine. In fact, he's doing more than just fine. He is doing incredibly well. Therapy and anxiety medicine and even a few tea garden meetings. It took a few months, and he's not healed, he might never be. But he knows his worth. And he's ready to take some risks, and to trust some people. It's freeing. But something about the way that Bright spoke to his at parade sets him off.

It's not that Bright was rude. He wasn't. But… Win felt like inviting Bright to his house, inviting his boyfriend, too, was a big step. And for him to carelessly run out the door, and to give his this short explanation about how Tine was upset about… them, was beyond frustrating. It felt like a step backwards.

It eats at him all week. Win even talks it out with Gun instead of bottling it up. Gun tells him that he understands both sides, and that he'll get over it. But still, it's been a week since the conversation and he doesn't feel over it.

"Metawin," he hears that familiar voice and his blood gets hot. Everywhere.

Win wonders if he'll ever be able to just react normally to him. Why does his body act like this? His brain knows better.

"Chivaaree," he returns, turning around to meet Bright's eyes. They're standing outside The Apan. It's dark and there's a little chill in the air, but it feels like sweet relief on his warming skin.

"What's been going on?" Bright asks, his voice strained. "You've been pulling away from me."

Win shrugs. What is there to pull away from? They aren't dating.

"I'm just trying to maintain a respectful distance," Win says evenly, and his insides are actually ripping apart. Win clears his throat.

"What?" Bright asks, bewildered.

"Your boyfriend… he clearly has a problem. And that's fine. If you think that it's justifiable, I trust you. But I'm not here to create any more problems for you. I've done enough damage, Bright. So just… let me let you be happy."

Bright seems thrown by this statement. So many emotions-anger, hurt, confusion-cross his face before he's back to his default look: bored, uninterested.

"Metawin," he says, but then stops short. He clearly thinks twice of whatever he was going to say because he just shrugs. "Okay."

"Okay," Win says, forcing a tight smile. "Let's get in there, then." Without waiting for a response from him, he turns on his heel and practically runs into the bar. Win scopes out the crowd and smiles when he finds the rookies at a small table in the corner. Win raises an arm to wave and approaches the table.

Gun looks up, watching something behind Win. Without looking, Win knows it's Bright from across the room.

"Everything okay?" Gun asks.

Win nods. "Eventually, it's all going to be okay."

He's not sure if Gun believes that. But he's rolling with it. Because he has to.

Win pretends not to notice when Tine arrives. He definitely pretends not to notice that Bright is drinking at a faster pace than usual. He eyes him every so often, and almost every time he looks in Bright direction, he's already staring at him. Sometimes, his eyes are soft. Sometimes, he doesn't even recognize them.

Win's not the only one who notices. Because he sees Tay approach Bright, taking the beer from his hand and saying words that Win can't hear.

Finally, after a few hours of camaraderie with the rookies, he pays his tab and leaves. As soon as he's three steps out of the building though, he feels his presence. Bright's eyes are burning holes in his back. Win stops. Closes his eyes. Deep breath.

"What?" Win says finally, his back still facing him. He's terrified of what Bright's face might tell him.

"'Let me let you be happy' Win? Really?" Bright's words are icy.

"Walk it off, Bright," Win says lightly. He's not doing this. Bright's drunk, or at least drunk-adjacent, and he just… can't.

"Let me let you be happy," Bright repeats again, and Win hears his footsteps before he's standing right in front of him. Win stares at his shoes. "Win… we're supposed to be friends. And now you're treating me weird because I have a boyfriend. What the hell is that?"

Win braves a look at his face. Oh. Hurt.

"Bright, we can talk about this tomorrow."

"No, no. We can't. Because you get more distant with every passing day. That's not how this is supposed to work."

"Supposed to work?" Win repeats, confused.

He sighs, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. "Metawin, if you wanted to let me be happy, you'd know that the further you get from me, the worse I feel."

Win nods. "You have a boyfriend."

"And you're my friend, Win."

"I can't… just… be your best friend when you're with him. I can be someone that cares about you, but we can't be buddies that hang out. He's going to want to leave every party early if that's the case. And you're going to destroy whatever you two have going. And I'm not just going to let that happen. I'm not that selfish."

"Right, no. Selfish is sleeping with a guy who is obviously in love with you and then taking it back the next day. You. You aren't selfish."

Bright's words are biting, and Win's eyebrow shoot to his hairline. He's not wrong, but Bright's words nearly kill him. "Bright," he manages to say, his voice shaking with anger.

"I didn't mean that."

"It sounds like you did," Win says, taking a step backward.

Bright shakes his head. "Win. Hold on. I'm doing this all wrong. Let me start over." He's desperate now, taking a small step toward him.

"You have a boyfriend, Bright," Win hisses. "A boyfriend. I didn't ask you to wait for me. I didn't expect you to wait for me. Okay. It sucks that you found someone so great so fast. But I can't blame you for that. I have been nothing but respectful even though it kills me to see you guys together. Every time you touch him, I see it. And I hate it!"

Win's growing hysterical, and he should stop. But he can't. Because...this is how he feels. "I am… in love with you. In the most irritating way. In a way that makes me think… I've never loved anyone before, because I've never felt like this. And you… you moved right on forward without me. After a month. And the worst part is, you're out here talking to me as if he doesn't exist. You're being awful to him, Bright! And that's fucked up. You're not that guy. Don't be that guy. Because this… this is torture. Don't come out here and beg for my attention when you have a boy in there that deserves yours. Because I can't… be… your other man. I've worked too hard on myself to be reduced to this."

Bright takes a step backwards this time. Win doesn't wait for him to process his words, or for him to respond. Instead, Win turns around and walks to his car as quickly as he can. Win doesn't spare a look back at him because he can't. He can only move forward.

To be continued.