Avenues of the Diamond (University Series #4)

16

"I don't know. I feel drained." 

Clyden sat down on the couch with me with his arms around my shoulder, gently brushing his fingers on my arm to calm me down. His eyes did not leave my face. He was staring at me for so long, ready to listen. 

"I had a fight with Naomi. I know that she's going through so much, too, but I just feel like I'm always misunderstood, you know? But I completely get why she would push me away. I just... It's so frustrating when people misunderstand your intention. It's all getting so tiring," I said while looking at the floor. I couldn't look at him with tears streaming down my face. 

"Give her time and give yourself a rest. Hindi naman kailangang palagi kang nandiyan para sa ibang tao kung nawawala ka naman sa sarili mo," he said in a soft voice. 

"Maybe I'm just overreacting. Why the hell am I crying right now?" I tried wiping my tears away, but they just wouldn't stop. 

He held my chin up and gently made me face him so I could see him clearly. "You are not overreacting. Your feelings are valid. Crying is valid." 

"Besides that, I also received a message from my Mom to attend an event this Friday, but I'm just not in the mood to meet other people again and force myself to act like everything's good like everything is going okay," I told him without taking my eyes off him. 

"Then don't attend." 

I had so many events coming up and so many events I skipped, like Elyse's debut. My parents attended the party for me since they were invited by Mr. Ledezma and I just asked them to send my regards. Wait, I suddenly remembered Naomi's birthday. Sa Friday na 'yon, ah! 

"It's Naomi's birthday, but my mom has an event to go to." I suddenly realized that. "Maybe it's a surprise party for Naomi? You think so?" I looked at him. 

"Uh, no," he said, avoiding my eyes like he was embarrassed to tell me that I was wrong. "But we could check if you want to attend. Sasamahan kita." 

"Like my mom would allow me to say no," I sarcastically said. 

That was the problem with me. One day, I'd have the courage to speak up against my parents, but the next day, I was still the coward who couldn't say no to the people who provided for my needs simply because they were the reason why I was still living. I had this toxic mindset that I couldn't go against the people who provided for everything, including my education. 

That was the reason why I wanted to move out and earn my own money, but I knew they would just stop me. The last time I told my mom that I wanted to earn by myself, she just laughed at me and told me not to tell my Dad. I knew Dad would just say, 'You have money. You don't need more.' 

Siguro titiisin ko na lang hanggang sa maka-graduate. Baka sakaling matamo ko ang kalayaan na matagal ko nang inaasam. Maybe. Just maybe it would happen. I wasn't thinking of achieving my dream job anymore, if I really had one. I just wanted to be free.